I bought a Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar the other day. It was substandard. So I wrote this letter.

Dear Lovely Cadbury’s Consumer Relations People

Whilst travelling to Bradford recently Elizabeth and I decided to stop at a motorway service station to purchase some snack products for our journey. As I was in charge of the purchases I decided upon the following:

• One 500ml bottle of Diet Coke
• One 500ml bottle Dr Pepper
• Two Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars

The choice of the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars was obvious. Both Elizabeth and I are big fans of your famous Cadbury’s Creme Eggs but given that we were in a car hurtling up the motorway I felt it prudent to enjoy the Cadbury’s Creme Egg experience in bar form.

Now, I have nothing against your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs, it’s just that they are a little difficult to eat sometimes and are a snack better suited to the home environment (on the sofa, in the lounge when watching Ashes To Ashes for example). Sorry, I digress; I’ll get to the point.

Upon biting in to her Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar Elizabeth’s delight was obvious, the noises alone indicated enjoyment far above the norm! However it was a very different story when I bit into my bar, a very different story indeed.

It was solid!

That’s right solid. You can imagine my surprise when that happened. The enclosed picture was taken when I returned home.

Additionally I have retained the part of the bar that was left (it was a struggle to stop Elizabeth from eating it I can tell you!) and enclose a small chunk (wrapped in cling film) for your forensic analysis. I can tell you this much though, it was definitely the same type of chocolate that you make your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs out of (delicious and tasty).

I would very dearly love to know exactly what happened in your Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory when this bar was being produced. Was it sabotage by a rival firm? A disgruntled former employee interfering with the fondant injector perhaps? Or could it have been an escaped experiment, the result of a secret project with a special ‘black budget’, set up to research new and innovative products? Who knows, all I know is I was shocked and a little disappointed.

I don’t like to talk about money but I fear given the current economic climate I must. I am obviously now out of pocket to the tune of approximately 65p, if you factor in my time and the cost of producing this letter it rises to a whopping £1.40.

I’m not going to claim damages for emotional distress though so don’t worry. I would settle out of court for the following:

• An explanation of why my Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar was hewn from solid (solid!) chocolate
• A trip for two around the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory
• One box of Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars
• A signed photo of Trevor Bond (your Managing Director, he must have had a hand in this if it was a secret project?)

I await your response with baited breath.

Keep on trucking!

Jon

PS This little incident has in no way affected my view of your products, as I type I’m tucking in to a delicious bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk!

PPS My phone number, if you need to call me, is 07939 325 186.

PPPS If it was a secret project my discretion is assured. Please don’t send the heavies around, I have a weak ankle.

Not had a response yet…