Crackerwax

I had written the bit that follows as an entirely straight faced rant on how English as a language was in decline because of misuse by The Youth Of Today™. However on reading it back I decided it said more about me than them.

Have a read and see what you think.

If I hear one more person describe something as being blatantly obvious, I’m going to kill myself. You see I’ve reached the end of my tether and the breaking point came about this very afternoon when I had the misfortune of sitting across the aisle from a couple of teenagers on a train to London.

During this journey I had the great honour of hearing every word of their conversation. Having said that I could probably have heard it from the other end of the train given the volume of their incessant squawking.

Anyway, I digress, as they sat there opposite each other at the table seat, each of them with their feet up on the seats, their bags strategically placed on the seat beside them so no one would encroach on their personal space, they began talking about their friends relationships.

I managed to find out that Jeremy was dating a girl and whilst he was praised for this because she was like, really pretty he was (unbeknown to him I suspect) being given very black looks in the social circle because she was really, really young.

I have no idea how old the girls on the train were but given their description of Jeremy’s girlfriend I can only assume she was a foetus.

Anyway, I’ve derailed myself again. Where was I? Oh yes, abuses of English.

During their conversation I managed to note the following examples of sloppy English usage:

• Blatant/Patent
  At one point Girl A (who looked astonishingly like Noel Fielding) turned to Girl B (who looked a bit like an anorexic version of Big Suze of off Peep Show) and said that something was blatantly obvious. As we all know the correct term is patently obvious (although this ass clown clearly doesn’t).
• Random
  On several occasions both girls used the word random incorrectly. The choicest use of this modern day gem was when, describing her previous night’s escapades, Noel told Big Suze that she had been brought a drink by some random guy.
• Brought/Bought
  See above.
  Unless of course said random guy was a waiter who had in fact quite correctly brought the girl her drink, not having paid for it himself. Although of course this would almost certainly preclude the gentleman in question from being described as random, unless waiters in the establishment they were drinking in were despatched to tables in a sequence that was decided by the roll of a die or some type of Wheel Of Fortune style rotating device of course. You never know.
• Like
  I was like, so pissed off, cos she was like, completely in the wrong and I was like, no way and she was like, shut up and I was like…
  Enough!
  I think I’ve made my point clear with that one.
• HRT (High Rising Terminal)
  Every fucking word that came out of their mouths sounded like a question? Which after about two seconds became very irritating? I don’t know how they can listen to each other?

Of course there were more abuses than that, I think my mind switched off after a while though.

See what I mean? The upshot of this is that I have decided that I am going to buy a pair of slippers, a cardigan and a nice pipe and never leave the house again. I’ve clearly become a grumpy old man.

In fact I should have seen this coming ages ago, something’s changed in my head. If you want an example, look no further than this recent episode.

Earlier in the week whilst driving home from work I switched on the radio but instead of getting the soothing tones of Eddie Mair it had been left tuned into Radio 1 and all I got was a noise. A loud noise.

The noise in question was so offensive to my ears that I began muttering under my breath that modern music was shit, that it all sounded the same and that when I was a teenager we had proper rock music, etc, etc.

It was at that point I realised I was listening to the middle section of Paradise City by Guns ‘N’ Roses.

Anyone fancy a mug of cocoa?