Crackerwax

It’s amazing what you find when you read things properly. For example SciFi Now‘s 50 Greatest Doctor Who Moments.

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It would appear SciFi Now has access to information that us mere mortals don’t. Namely some form of original script from the ninth Doctor episode Dalek. Witness greatest moment number eight!

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Who would’ve known? The Doctor was originally obviously supposed to have performed some kind of kinky sex act on a restrained Dalek?

I know Russell T Davies was driven to shoehorn in as many inappropriate references to homosexuality as possible, surely The Doctor wanking off all over a Dalek is a step too far though?

Still anything is possible, look at poor Bannakaffalatta and his repressed cyborguality.

I guess we just have to be glad that it never made it to air. I’m not sure I could have witnessed Christopher Eccleston knocking one out, while Nicholas Briggs screamed ‘white wee-wee‘ at the top of his voice.

Lily Allen’s really dropped a bit of a bollock recently with her half formed outpourings of anguish at the prospect of losing money to the evil of illegal downloads.

Not that I want to start rambling on about the lack of any concrete statistics to support the recording industry’s notion that downloads are killing music but I would like to point out that a download does not equate to a lost sale.

There are at least three ways that this can be the case. Read the rest of this entry »

I was just going through an old pile of CDs I found when I was moving a few things, and on one of them I found this.

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I’d forgotten about that – it made me chuckle – it has got me wondering if the Amish really do have rake fights?

Images of Harrison Ford twatting Randy Quaid with a rake fill my head…

Fuck that fat, beardy, twat Justin Lee Collins, we’re going to bring back Golden Grahams!

Now don’t ask me where they’ve gone because I don’t know. There are rumours that you can still find them but I can’t find them anywhere and believe you me I’ve searched high and low, and looked everywhere. Nada. Nothing. No sign of the lovely Golden Grahams taste.

They’re not on the shelves of my local Tesco, Asda, Morrisons, Sainsburys or, in fact, any fucking supermarket anywhere! Read the rest of this entry »

To get the point of this post you’ll need to take a visit to What Katie Wore. It might be wise to have a little lie down in a darkened room afterwards to let your mind recover for a bit. A damp flannel might be good too.

Once you feel recovered you could try What Jonty Wore as well, which is my take on this ludicrous bullshit.

Are we ready? Good. Let’s go! Read the rest of this entry »

Arrested Development looks like a really good comedy, how did I miss this first time around?

We went to see Rhys Darby at The Bloomsbury Theatre last month. We met him. That’s Restless Cheese and me with him in the header.

He’s in the middle. The thin one.

No doubt Restless Cheese will display it next to the one of him hugging Dave Grohl. Really, he has a photo of himself with Dave Grohl.

I am ever so slightly jealous.

Is mine! The story behind it goes a bit like this.

Restless Cheese and I went to see Pearl Jam in Manchester last night, in true fashion this was just a bit of an excuse for some hard drinking, although whether or not I’d call white russians hard I’m not certain.

So as far as it goes we arrived in Manchester around half five – after a completely dry train journey – checked into our hotel and then headed off out for a bit of dinner and a couple of cheeky cocktails. Queue the Revolution!

I’m quite a fan of Revolutions – the bars, not the uprisings – they’re generally pretty cool during the day and, if you time it right, not too bad at night either.

So we mosey on in and after a brief tussle with the menu and the outrageous offers we settled on a bargaintastic two for one burger deal (or mushroom-in-a-bap for Restless Cheese), along with some top notch two for one cocktails. Nice! Revolution had clearly lined itself up for a later visit.

It was at this, post Pearl Jam, visit that the coolest thing in the world happened.

Once we arrived back in Revolution the lure of shots was irresistible, the most amazing of which is or was the porridge shot. The porridge shot is a heady mix of vodka sugar and oats, and its taste is beyond amazing. Although some people, who shall remain nameless and who are clearly big mincers, think it’s foul.

Anyway this ambrosia no longer features on Revolution’s shot menu, undeterred by this I asked the lovely Duncan (best barman in the world by the way) if he had access to a secret stash of said alcohol. After a brief furtle in the cellar he returned with a bottle containing – what can only be described as – oaty dregs.

I of course jumped at the chance to consume this most delicious drink and immediately ordered two.

After retiring to a table Restless Cheese and I drank our white russians, interspersing their consumption with a shot or two from our ‘stick’. It was on about shot three that the magic happened.

Duncan approached our table and produced an entire bottle of porridge vodka from behind his back! How much was he asking for this delicious treat? Just £10. Ten stirlings for the most delicious drink in the world?

Did I want it? Yes I did!

Did I get it? Yes I did!

What I do have to say though is that I owe a great deal of thanks to Restless Cheese, for it was on his dollar that this bottle was purchased. Thank you, you are a great friend and I can’t wait to open it to celebrate the birth of your son and heir! I don’t care if that was a drunken promise either, you’re sticking to it!

This is quite posibly the best use of a marker pen I have ever witnessed. Read the rest of this entry »

He’s a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey. He’s 903 years old. If there’s danger, he’s the man who’s going to save your life and everyone on your planet. Got a problem with that?

I certainly don’t have a problem with that!!

Where do I start when it comes to The Tenth Doctor? Isn’t he just lovely? Sigh. Well, for once I am right and a lot of people, kids and adults alike around the world, would wholeheartedly agree!
Read the rest of this entry »

Now then, Omega, as seen in The Three Doctors and Arc Of Infinity, is a really interesting villain.

This is him here with Sergeant Benton and the second and third Doctors. He’s the one on the let that looks like The Man With The Stick from Vic Reeves Big Night Out.

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Omega was an outstanding stellar engineer and High Council member on Gallifrey. He developed the Hand of Omega, a remote stellar manipulator which could be used to control the reactions within a star.

Using the Hand of Omega he performed adjustments on a star near Gallifrey’s, in an attempt to provide a power source for the time travel experiments he conducted with Rassilon.

Unfortunately it was thought that Omega was killed in the resulting supernova, which then collapsed into a black hole. However, all of this malarky eventually resulted in the Time Lords being able to zip back and forth through time.

Neat, huh?

Of course for such sacrifice comes, well, more sacrifice. In this case it was a bit of lunacy and a touch of bitterness…

Now is just me or does the sound of a returning Omega seem just the thing to spice up Matt Smith’s presidency?

We’re a bit slow with this one sorry about that. Anyway it would appear that some enterprising Australian cosplayers (if you don’t know what that is, look it up and prepare to be horrified) decided to dress up like Daleks.

Not unusal you say? A little ambitious? Mayhap, however look at how they did it.

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Now we’ve got to admit that they’re some pretty classy Australian birds right there, whisks and plungers in hand. Still you’ve got to hand it to those girls for doing something that Russell T Davies and his cohorts would never ever do; redesign the Dalek.

Arf, arf, etc. ad nauseum…

I bought a Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar the other day. It was substandard. So I wrote this letter.

Dear Lovely Cadbury’s Consumer Relations People

Whilst travelling to Bradford recently Elizabeth and I decided to stop at a motorway service station to purchase some snack products for our journey. As I was in charge of the purchases I decided upon the following:

• One 500ml bottle of Diet Coke
• One 500ml bottle Dr Pepper
• Two Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars

The choice of the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars was obvious. Both Elizabeth and I are big fans of your famous Cadbury’s Creme Eggs but given that we were in a car hurtling up the motorway I felt it prudent to enjoy the Cadbury’s Creme Egg experience in bar form.

Now, I have nothing against your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs, it’s just that they are a little difficult to eat sometimes and are a snack better suited to the home environment (on the sofa, in the lounge when watching Ashes To Ashes for example). Sorry, I digress; I’ll get to the point.

Upon biting in to her Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar Elizabeth’s delight was obvious, the noises alone indicated enjoyment far above the norm! However it was a very different story when I bit into my bar, a very different story indeed.

It was solid!

That’s right solid. You can imagine my surprise when that happened. The enclosed picture was taken when I returned home.

Additionally I have retained the part of the bar that was left (it was a struggle to stop Elizabeth from eating it I can tell you!) and enclose a small chunk (wrapped in cling film) for your forensic analysis. I can tell you this much though, it was definitely the same type of chocolate that you make your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs out of (delicious and tasty).

I would very dearly love to know exactly what happened in your Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory when this bar was being produced. Was it sabotage by a rival firm? A disgruntled former employee interfering with the fondant injector perhaps? Or could it have been an escaped experiment, the result of a secret project with a special ‘black budget’, set up to research new and innovative products? Who knows, all I know is I was shocked and a little disappointed.

I don’t like to talk about money but I fear given the current economic climate I must. I am obviously now out of pocket to the tune of approximately 65p, if you factor in my time and the cost of producing this letter it rises to a whopping £1.40.

I’m not going to claim damages for emotional distress though so don’t worry. I would settle out of court for the following:

• An explanation of why my Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar was hewn from solid (solid!) chocolate
• A trip for two around the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory
• One box of Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars
• A signed photo of Trevor Bond (your Managing Director, he must have had a hand in this if it was a secret project?)

I await your response with baited breath.

Keep on trucking!

Jon

PS This little incident has in no way affected my view of your products, as I type I’m tucking in to a delicious bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk!

PPS My phone number, if you need to call me, is 07939 325 186.

PPPS If it was a secret project my discretion is assured. Please don’t send the heavies around, I have a weak ankle.

Not had a response yet…

In a fit of pique last night we decided that Doctor Who Is Shit was a bit disparaging and, to be honest, a little too rude for the title of this site. So to that end we proudly present the new and improved Doctor Who Is Dire!

It had to be done.

I love Joanna Lumley, she’s foxy, dignified and not altogether unlikeable. She is also sadly cringingly naive. After having heard her talking on Radio 4 this morning I became less and less inclined to be bothered about the whole Gurkha thing.

Don’t leave here under the wrong impression, I really believe all the Gurkhas that fight in wars on behalf of the United Kingdom should be allowed citizenship and a decent pension, it’s just that both sides are being a bit on the wank side with their arguments.

The Government is giving the impression that it doesn’t care and is pathetically inefficient (which it may well be) and the Lumley contingent are tub thumping without concern for due process or any concern at all about setting legal precedent.

You see that’s the bit that worries me, if we change the rules for one group of individuals it opens the floodgates for legal challenges from every other fucker.

All the rhetoric about our letting in asylum seekers/Polish builders/Belgian paedophiles and not our noble, brave Gurkha chums is horseshit. At the end of it all I’m fairly certain if citizenship was a game of musical chairs and it came down to a fight between Joanna Lumley and a Gurkha for the last chair, I’m certain Lumley would be up for a fight for it.

I’m also fairly certain the Gurkha would win. Ayo Gorkhali!

Doctor Who Is Dire is now on Twitter in its own right. We feel oh, so grown up!

Follow @DoctorWhoIsDire by clicking here! and if you haven’t got a Twitter account you really should you know.

You really should. All the coolest people have one.

Obviously Chris Moyles is the exception that proves the rule.

So there I was, in Bradford, at the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television when I saw a Dalek.

Cripes I thought, I’d better be careful it looks really far away, but they can trundle quite quickly on level, perfectly smooth, ground. I’d better make a dash for it. You can see the fear in my eyes!

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It was at the point above that I realised I’d been duped. It wasn’t far away at all it was just really, really tiny.

And shit.

How they plan on conquering the universe is beyond me. Short arse Skaro bastards.

Perhaps I’ve been a little bit hasty in calling this site Doctor Who Is Dire. Given that I’m a fan of Doctor Who in principle and that I don’t really hate it.

Mayhap I should just have called it New Doctor Who Is Dire? Even that would be a little misleading as some of the new episodes have been rather good. Hmmm?

I suppose if I’m honest it should really have been called Russell T Davies Is The Worst Writer Of Sci-Fi In The World, not quite so easy to remember though is it?

Even if the Israeli Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman thinks the name swine flu is offensive, and if he does I’d question exactly where his priorities actually lie, I’m certain of one thing; human beings are a skittish bunch.

So I have three words of advice. Are you ready for them?

Stop fucking panicking.

Thus ends this public service announcement.

It’s nice to see that good old Steven Moffat has been nominated for another Hugo Award in the ‘Best Dramatic Presentation, Short Form’ category.

Oh, and Russell T Davies has been nominated too.

Moffat’s been nominated for Silence In The Library which I thought was rather good and hinted at the future Doctor in a very subtle and well written way. Although the costume design was – as per – fucking abysmal, here’s a hint; space faring adventurers rarely wear snow boots.

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Davies has been nominated for Turn Left, a lack lustre turd of an effort that bases its entire storyline on the film Sliding Doors – plagiarism is much easier than invention, eh Russell? – and gets its ‘comedy’ from Catherine Tate’s predictable gurning.

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What’s very interesting to note is that Moffat has been nominated and has won this for the past three years. Odd that Davies hasn’t won it yet really given the number of episodes that he’s pumped out.

Or is it?

It was Russell T Davies birthday today. He was 46.

For those not in the know Russell T Davies is responsible for single handedly destroying the Doctor Who franchise with his ludicrous storylines and his shoehorning in of his own personal agenda to story lines. This is him.

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Under his tutelage the series has seen its popularity rocket and its credibilty plummet.

He has been responsible for some of the most awful dialogue ever to be written, reaching its nadir with Banakafalata‘s famous speech about his shame at being a cyborg (gay) and Astrid Peth‘s rejoinder that there was no need to be ashamed at being a cyborg (gay) as cyborgs (gay people) can marry!

He is a first rate writer of drama but his grip on sci-fi is poor at best. His departure from Doctor Who can only be viewed as a good thing and I wish him every success with his next project, provided that is that it isn’t the Doctor Who movies.

Now as anybody that knows me will readily admit, money and me don’t get on. I don’t respect it and it does its best to get away from me as quickly as possible, complicit in this little game are the banks, so consequently I’m not a fan of them either.

However they have a place in the world and without them we’d be pretty fucked, that much is true. If we want to change the banking system we need to make sure it’s equitable and fair, with no ridiculous APRs (60% anyone?) and no ludicrous charging models (£25 per infraction, come on!).

What we don’t need to do is smash up a bank in Threadneedle Street under the misguided illusion that it’s political activism, it’s not you stupid bitch it’s criminal damage.

That’s not really the way to get the message across is it? People see smashed glass and broken bits of computer and immediately you’ve lost all credibility. It might be that you have any number of amazing points to make about the banking system and how it should be changed but because of what you’ve just done you’re just another lout.

That’s part of the problem though isn’t it? How do you get your message across? Where is the forum for debate?

Well of course there isn’t one. So you get rebellious teenage girls, who’re under some illusion that they’re the bastard love child of Che Guevara and Jeanne d’Arc, smashing up banks.

Saddest part of it is is that she’s being misled by a group of people (the people she more than likely shares her Brighton squat/commune/double decker bus on bricks with) who have as much of an agenda as the bankers and politicians she despises. She’s as much a pawn in their game as she is The Man’s.

Silly girl.

People have asked me, not many people but people, if Doctor Who is so shit why do you own so many Doctor Who DVDs?

It’s a good question, it really is. The answer is quite clearly that I don’t think Doctor Who’s shit per se, just a bit shit. You know what I mean?

As far as I’m concerned the Doctor is an amazing creation that has been portrayed very well by a number of great actors and if you were to ask me I would list them thus.

1. Tom Baker
2. Peter Davison
3. Paul McGann
4. Jon Pertwee
5. Christopher Eccleston
6. Patrick Troughton
7. David Tennant
8. William Hartnell
9. Sylvester McCoy
10. Colin Baker

Any argument with that?

I thought not.

This is very simple but I thought you needed to know. Here they are in no particular order the ten best games ever made.

• Metal Gear Solid (PlayStation)
• Ico (PlayStation 2)
• Shadow Of The Colossus (PlayStation 2)
• Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube)
• Wizball (Commodore 64)
• Pac-Man Championship Edition (Xbox 360)
• Burnout Paradise (PlayStation 3)
• The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time (Nintendo 64)
• Puzzle Quest: Challenge Of The Warlords (Nintendo DS)
• Super Mario World (Super Nintendo)

Actually there is an order but only very slight Resident Evil 4 is at the top and Ico comes just after it, the rest are all joint third.

For information Bubble Bobble just missed out on being included and if I’m honest I’d be tempted to swap out Wizball for it but I just had to have a Commodore 64 title in there somewhere.

In the next couple of weeks I’m going to start writing little essays about all those games, so don’t make any plans will you?

Zero Punctuation is one of the funniest web shows, I suggest you check it out.

I joined Twitter about a year ago and used to really enjoy using it, making the occasional little update here and there, reading my friends updates, engaging in some funny banter, that sort of thing.

Then the celebrities arrived.

The sheer volume of tweets that the likes of Jonathan Ross and Stephen Fry post is ridiculous. When you’re reading your Twitter feed on an iPhone and out of all the updates you get ninety five percent of them come from Jonathan Ross and each of those is in reply to some unseen comment, then you get really bored, really quickly.

The Twitter-shitters are one thing but at least they’re funny and/or interesting. It’s when the boring, band wagon jumpers get on board that you have to start worrying. Enter Chris Moyles self styled saviour of Radio One.

Chris Moyles is the least amusing man on the planet but, as I am certain he would point out to me, he does earn way more money than me. I’m fairly certain he’d follow that keen observation up with something about my poxy blog and lack of a breakfast radio show. I guess it’s these two things that makes him think people care about what he has to say.

His show bores me, he bores me and I’m really not interested in anything he has to say so why would I want his boorish, obnoxious musings when I’m on the move? Not only that but everytime he says twittering instead of tweeting (which he does a fair amount on the half hour monologue he does every fucking morning) he’s getting it wrong. No surprise there though is there?

The long and short of it is that I’m going off Twitter, where I was once a staunch advocate. Still I intend to keep tweeting just a little bit longer just to see what happens, I’ve removed all the celebs though, well except Stephen Fry, how could I?

There’s a cutscene I came across in Gears Of War 2 the other day that’s rather moving.

Dom’s wife has been missing for sometime, when he hears news that she may have been taken by the Locust he sets about, with Marcus’ help, trying to find her.

And he does find her.

I thought it was all rather sad and full of pathos.

Very shortly this site will be hosting a petition to bring back the finest cereal the world has ever known: Golden Grahams.

When I say shortly I mean now. Huzzah! Witness the petition is here! Click here to sign the petition.

I trust you will sign it?