Crackerwax

Watch this.

Inspired. Harry Nesbitt has a unique style. I often imagine that this is the life I would have carved out for myself had I been an anthropomorphic, bearded rabbit.

Link: Spare The Rod And Spoil The Society

So, we hate our children then? Well, that’s what Sir Al Aynsley Green says anyway. In an interview with The Independent, he said.

One of the greatest challenges we have had is public attitudes to…

There are only twenty-four little hours – even less than that really – until we all find out exactly what it is that Apple have been cooking up in their top secret Cupertino labs. I can’t wait.

I used to hate Apple. Then I bought a 60GB iPod Photo. I never looked back. Roll on the 27th of January, it’s the big product announcement day!

We’ve just finished watching The Doctor’s Daughter and having enjoyed it feel that the Doctor Who future is looking rather bright.

As episodes go it was stupid, the premise was flawed and it was altogether hokey but you know what else it was? It was fun.

There was plenty of running around in corridors and we didn’t particularly feel for anyone but it wasn’t mired in any kind of pathetic attempt at a story arc.

If Moffatt keeps his side of the bargain and follows this sort of blueprint then Doctor Who will once again be fantastic!

As if we we’re in any doubt about Matt Smith’s acting ability – see the trailer below – we were reminded by our good friend Restless Cheese of his appearance in the deleted scenes from In Bruges.

After a quick YouTube search we found it. You can watch it if you like.

We are good to you.

PS You should watch In Bruges it really is very, very funny.

The BBC have posted the trailer for the new Moffat lead Doctor Who and it looks superb. Take a look!

That uppercut? Yeah, we loved that too.

Well, that was a bit odd. All my permalinks broke for no reason at all. I hope it didn’t annoy anyone.

So it’s no secret that here at DWID Towers we’d love to see a reboot of the Doctor Who franchise, ideally in the form of a theatrically released movie.

The plot we’re working on explains the origins of The Doctor and his relationship with humanity. It also serves to introduce us to Davros and the Daleks, as well as the role of Time Lords in the political machinations of the universe .

To that end we’ve written an outline and an opening monologue. Have a read and see what you think.

Over four and a half billion years ago – while your world was still being formed – we were taking our first steps into the vast reaches of space.

Five hundred million years later – while life was only just forming in your oceans – we had conquered space and had unravelled the secrets of the universe.

By the time that your species had evolved we had long since mastered inter-dimensional travel and had developed machines and sciences that allowed us to travel through time and dimensions in space with the greatest of ease.

And now, now when we finally meet, as your species is just beginning its interstellar journey. You face your greatest challenge.

This is my story and the story of how I met you and saved you.

Like it?

Y’see folks this is what comes of a good idea, a pair of munters in a basement somewhere think to themselves, wow those Australian girls – whilst fairly average looking – managed to look really quite hot when they dressed as Daleks, let’s do that.

Then you get this.

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For goodness sake. What’s that about, really? Come on now.

Thanks to io9 for ruining our weekend.

Ah what can you spit venomously about Comic Sans that hasn’t already been spat venomously by someone else? For those that don’t recognise the name take at look at this. (more…)

It’s amazing what you find when you read things properly. For example SciFi Now‘s 50 Greatest Doctor Who Moments.

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It would appear SciFi Now has access to information that us mere mortals don’t. Namely some form of original script from the ninth Doctor episode Dalek. Witness greatest moment number eight!

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Who would’ve known? The Doctor was originally obviously supposed to have performed some kind of kinky sex act on a restrained Dalek?

I know Russell T Davies was driven to shoehorn in as many inappropriate references to homosexuality as possible, surely The Doctor wanking off all over a Dalek is a step too far though?

Still anything is possible, look at poor Bannakaffalatta and his repressed cyborguality.

I guess we just have to be glad that it never made it to air. I’m not sure I could have witnessed Christopher Eccleston knocking one out, while Nicholas Briggs screamed ‘white wee-wee‘ at the top of his voice.

Arrested Development looks like a really good comedy, how did I miss this first time around?

He’s a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey. He’s 903 years old. If there’s danger, he’s the man who’s going to save your life and everyone on your planet. Got a problem with that?

I certainly don’t have a problem with that!!

Where do I start when it comes to The Tenth Doctor? Isn’t he just lovely? Sigh. Well, for once I am right and a lot of people, kids and adults alike around the world, would wholeheartedly agree!
(more…)

Now then, Omega, as seen in The Three Doctors and Arc Of Infinity, is a really interesting villain.

This is him here with Sergeant Benton and the second and third Doctors. He’s the one on the let that looks like The Man With The Stick from Vic Reeves Big Night Out.

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Omega was an outstanding stellar engineer and High Council member on Gallifrey. He developed the Hand of Omega, a remote stellar manipulator which could be used to control the reactions within a star.

Using the Hand of Omega he performed adjustments on a star near Gallifrey’s, in an attempt to provide a power source for the time travel experiments he conducted with Rassilon.

Unfortunately it was thought that Omega was killed in the resulting supernova, which then collapsed into a black hole. However, all of this malarky eventually resulted in the Time Lords being able to zip back and forth through time.

Neat, huh?

Of course for such sacrifice comes, well, more sacrifice. In this case it was a bit of lunacy and a touch of bitterness…

Now is just me or does the sound of a returning Omega seem just the thing to spice up Matt Smith’s presidency?

We’re a bit slow with this one sorry about that. Anyway it would appear that some enterprising Australian cosplayers (if you don’t know what that is, look it up and prepare to be horrified) decided to dress up like Daleks.

Not unusal you say? A little ambitious? Mayhap, however look at how they did it.

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Now we’ve got to admit that they’re some pretty classy Australian birds right there, whisks and plungers in hand. Still you’ve got to hand it to those girls for doing something that Russell T Davies and his cohorts would never ever do; redesign the Dalek.

Arf, arf, etc. ad nauseum…

I bought a Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar the other day. It was substandard. So I wrote this letter.

Dear Lovely Cadbury’s Consumer Relations People

Whilst travelling to Bradford recently Elizabeth and I decided to stop at a motorway service station to purchase some snack products for our journey. As I was in charge of the purchases I decided upon the following:

• One 500ml bottle of Diet Coke
• One 500ml bottle Dr Pepper
• Two Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars

The choice of the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars was obvious. Both Elizabeth and I are big fans of your famous Cadbury’s Creme Eggs but given that we were in a car hurtling up the motorway I felt it prudent to enjoy the Cadbury’s Creme Egg experience in bar form.

Now, I have nothing against your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs, it’s just that they are a little difficult to eat sometimes and are a snack better suited to the home environment (on the sofa, in the lounge when watching Ashes To Ashes for example). Sorry, I digress; I’ll get to the point.

Upon biting in to her Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar Elizabeth’s delight was obvious, the noises alone indicated enjoyment far above the norm! However it was a very different story when I bit into my bar, a very different story indeed.

It was solid!

That’s right solid. You can imagine my surprise when that happened. The enclosed picture was taken when I returned home.

Additionally I have retained the part of the bar that was left (it was a struggle to stop Elizabeth from eating it I can tell you!) and enclose a small chunk (wrapped in cling film) for your forensic analysis. I can tell you this much though, it was definitely the same type of chocolate that you make your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs out of (delicious and tasty).

I would very dearly love to know exactly what happened in your Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory when this bar was being produced. Was it sabotage by a rival firm? A disgruntled former employee interfering with the fondant injector perhaps? Or could it have been an escaped experiment, the result of a secret project with a special ‘black budget’, set up to research new and innovative products? Who knows, all I know is I was shocked and a little disappointed.

I don’t like to talk about money but I fear given the current economic climate I must. I am obviously now out of pocket to the tune of approximately 65p, if you factor in my time and the cost of producing this letter it rises to a whopping £1.40.

I’m not going to claim damages for emotional distress though so don’t worry. I would settle out of court for the following:

• An explanation of why my Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar was hewn from solid (solid!) chocolate
• A trip for two around the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory
• One box of Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars
• A signed photo of Trevor Bond (your Managing Director, he must have had a hand in this if it was a secret project?)

I await your response with baited breath.

Keep on trucking!

Jon

PS This little incident has in no way affected my view of your products, as I type I’m tucking in to a delicious bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk!

PPS My phone number, if you need to call me, is 07939 325 186.

PPPS If it was a secret project my discretion is assured. Please don’t send the heavies around, I have a weak ankle.

Not had a response yet…

In a fit of pique last night we decided that Doctor Who Is Shit was a bit disparaging and, to be honest, a little too rude for the title of this site. So to that end we proudly present the new and improved Doctor Who Is Dire!

It had to be done.

Doctor Who Is Dire is now on Twitter in its own right. We feel oh, so grown up!

Follow @DoctorWhoIsDire by clicking here! and if you haven’t got a Twitter account you really should you know.

You really should. All the coolest people have one.

Obviously Chris Moyles is the exception that proves the rule.

So there I was, in Bradford, at the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television when I saw a Dalek.

Cripes I thought, I’d better be careful it looks really far away, but they can trundle quite quickly on level, perfectly smooth, ground. I’d better make a dash for it. You can see the fear in my eyes!

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It was at the point above that I realised I’d been duped. It wasn’t far away at all it was just really, really tiny.

And shit.

How they plan on conquering the universe is beyond me. Short arse Skaro bastards.

Perhaps I’ve been a little bit hasty in calling this site Doctor Who Is Dire. Given that I’m a fan of Doctor Who in principle and that I don’t really hate it.

Mayhap I should just have called it New Doctor Who Is Dire? Even that would be a little misleading as some of the new episodes have been rather good. Hmmm?

I suppose if I’m honest it should really have been called Russell T Davies Is The Worst Writer Of Sci-Fi In The World, not quite so easy to remember though is it?

It’s nice to see that good old Steven Moffat has been nominated for another Hugo Award in the ‘Best Dramatic Presentation, Short Form’ category.

Oh, and Russell T Davies has been nominated too.

Moffat’s been nominated for Silence In The Library which I thought was rather good and hinted at the future Doctor in a very subtle and well written way. Although the costume design was – as per – fucking abysmal, here’s a hint; space faring adventurers rarely wear snow boots.

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Davies has been nominated for Turn Left, a lack lustre turd of an effort that bases its entire storyline on the film Sliding Doors – plagiarism is much easier than invention, eh Russell? – and gets its ‘comedy’ from Catherine Tate’s predictable gurning.

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What’s very interesting to note is that Moffat has been nominated and has won this for the past three years. Odd that Davies hasn’t won it yet really given the number of episodes that he’s pumped out.

Or is it?

It was Russell T Davies birthday today. He was 46.

For those not in the know Russell T Davies is responsible for single handedly destroying the Doctor Who franchise with his ludicrous storylines and his shoehorning in of his own personal agenda to story lines. This is him.

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Under his tutelage the series has seen its popularity rocket and its credibilty plummet.

He has been responsible for some of the most awful dialogue ever to be written, reaching its nadir with Banakafalata‘s famous speech about his shame at being a cyborg (gay) and Astrid Peth‘s rejoinder that there was no need to be ashamed at being a cyborg (gay) as cyborgs (gay people) can marry!

He is a first rate writer of drama but his grip on sci-fi is poor at best. His departure from Doctor Who can only be viewed as a good thing and I wish him every success with his next project, provided that is that it isn’t the Doctor Who movies.

People have asked me, not many people but people, if Doctor Who is so shit why do you own so many Doctor Who DVDs?

It’s a good question, it really is. The answer is quite clearly that I don’t think Doctor Who’s shit per se, just a bit shit. You know what I mean?

As far as I’m concerned the Doctor is an amazing creation that has been portrayed very well by a number of great actors and if you were to ask me I would list them thus.

1. Tom Baker
2. Peter Davison
3. Paul McGann
4. Jon Pertwee
5. Christopher Eccleston
6. Patrick Troughton
7. David Tennant
8. William Hartnell
9. Sylvester McCoy
10. Colin Baker

Any argument with that?

I thought not.

Zero Punctuation is one of the funniest web shows, I suggest you check it out.

As it happens posts on the new Doctor.

• 18:08
  I’m done. This is more than a little disappointing.
• 18:07
  Blah, blah. Matt Smith is now telling us he he got a letter from David Tennant. Cloying horseshit.
• 18:03
  My bad. He does. Have a look.
• 18:01
  He doesn’t even have an IMDB entry! This could be great, or very, very shit.
• 18:00
  Matt Smith is the new Doctor. Who the fuck is Matt Smith?
• 17:59
  Ooh, They’re talking regeneration!
• 17:57
  Paul McGann gets a decent length of time though. Steven Moffat likes the idea of snogging too. Hmmm.
• 17:56
  Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy only get 20 seconds!
• 17:55
  The new Doctor looks old but is young. Who is it? Flipping heck it’s confusing.
• 17:54
  Steven Moffat also likes Tom Baker’s performance!
• 17:50
  The new Doctor is 26!
• 17:48
  Steven Moffat really likes John Pertwee. A good sign!
• 17:46
  Blah, blah, it’s a Doctor retrospective. RTD wittering on about how the series has never changed. Bollocks.
• 17:42
  Martin Freeman is just younger than David Tennant but is he an unknown?
• 17:39
  The new Doctor is younger than David Tennant and an unknown.

No sooner had I posted the Super Hans for Doctor Who than BBC posted the news that the new Doctor would be revealed on the 3rd January. They’ve also pulled that he-or-she cobblers again.

I’m not impressed.

Unless of course Super Hans is the next Doctor!

After lengthy dicussions, we have decided that the ideal actor to play Doctor Who after David Tennant is Matt King, or as you may know him Super Hans from Peep Show.

Look at him, he’s perfect!

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If you agree, please add your name to our petition by clicking here.