Crackerwax

Rage Against The Machine are the UK’s Christmas number one! Yeah get in! Fuck you Simon Cowell, fuck you, we won’t do what you tell us!

Isn’t it fantastic that a small body of people can cause such a huge upset? What hope it gives us to know that a brave cadre can march victorious, safe in the knowledge that they’ve fought the good fight. That they’ve stopped the evil record industry from winning with their fakery. That they’ve really stuck it to The Man! Isn’t it great?

In a word. No. (more…)

Lily Allen’s really dropped a bit of a bollock recently with her half formed outpourings of anguish at the prospect of losing money to the evil of illegal downloads.

Not that I want to start rambling on about the lack of any concrete statistics to support the recording industry’s notion that downloads are killing music but I would like to point out that a download does not equate to a lost sale.

There are at least three ways that this can be the case. (more…)

To get the point of this post you’ll need to take a visit to What Katie Wore. It might be wise to have a little lie down in a darkened room afterwards to let your mind recover for a bit. A damp flannel might be good too.

Once you feel recovered you could try What Jonty Wore as well, which is my take on this ludicrous bullshit.

Are we ready? Good. Let’s go! (more…)

Even if the Israeli Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman thinks the name swine flu is offensive, and if he does I’d question exactly where his priorities actually lie, I’m certain of one thing; human beings are a skittish bunch.

So I have three words of advice. Are you ready for them?

Stop fucking panicking.

Thus ends this public service announcement.

Now as anybody that knows me will readily admit, money and me don’t get on. I don’t respect it and it does its best to get away from me as quickly as possible, complicit in this little game are the banks, so consequently I’m not a fan of them either.

However they have a place in the world and without them we’d be pretty fucked, that much is true. If we want to change the banking system we need to make sure it’s equitable and fair, with no ridiculous APRs (60% anyone?) and no ludicrous charging models (£25 per infraction, come on!).

What we don’t need to do is smash up a bank in Threadneedle Street under the misguided illusion that it’s political activism, it’s not you stupid bitch it’s criminal damage.

That’s not really the way to get the message across is it? People see smashed glass and broken bits of computer and immediately you’ve lost all credibility. It might be that you have any number of amazing points to make about the banking system and how it should be changed but because of what you’ve just done you’re just another lout.

That’s part of the problem though isn’t it? How do you get your message across? Where is the forum for debate?

Well of course there isn’t one. So you get rebellious teenage girls, who’re under some illusion that they’re the bastard love child of Che Guevara and Jeanne d’Arc, smashing up banks.

Saddest part of it is is that she’s being misled by a group of people (the people she more than likely shares her Brighton squat/commune/double decker bus on bricks with) who have as much of an agenda as the bankers and politicians she despises. She’s as much a pawn in their game as she is The Man’s.

Silly girl.

Another week and another ridiculous overblown hoo-hah in the press about some poor sod or other.

This week it’s the turn of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to be on the receiving end of the tabloid press’ moral indignation. How journalists can consider themselves moral is beyond me, still that’s a rant for another day.

As you are no doubt aware by now, given that it’s the top story on every news channel at the moment (wonder if Al Jazeera have covered it?), Russell Brand had Jonathan Ross on his Radio 2 show and they left Andrew Sachs a series of rather misjudged and ill advised answer phone messages.

The gist of it is that Andrew Sachs was due to give an interview on Brand’s show but for one reason or another when he was called they got his answer phone, Brand being Brand and Ross being Ross this lead to an ideal opportunity for a spot of tomfoolery. Let’s be honest though it’s kind of what you expect from a stand up comic who hosts a radio show, we’re not talking about Jimmy Young here are we?

Unfortunately the message got out of hand very quickly and three things happened.

1. Ross said ‘fucked’.
2. It was made clear that Brand had slept with Sach’s granddaughter.
3. An impromptu and bawdy song was sung about the liaison into Sach’s answer phone.

I happened to hear it live and whilst I didn’t think it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard, I didn’t think it was anything that anyone should have lost their job over.

Of course the media being the media were falling over themselves to expose Brand for the filthmongering, sex obsessed, junkie scum bag he so clearly is. I half expect to wake up and read calls for Ross to have his tongue cut out and for Brand to be castrated!

So far the result of all this has been:

• Russell Brand has resigned.
• Lesley Douglas has resigned as controller of Radio 2.
• Jonathan Ross has been suspended for 12 weeks.
• Gordon Brown has made a statement about it.
• Amazingly, despite the answer phone message, the world still continues to spin on its axis.

That the show only garnered two complaints at the time of its broadcast, yet has since received over 37,000, stands as testament to the media circus that has developed. Of course most of that can be attributed to the Mail On Sunday’s front page article about it. I think the very fact that only 0.00003% of complaints were received from actual listeners speaks volumes.

Meanwhile Georgina Baillie, the outraged granddaughter in question (you’ll probably know her best as Voluptua from the Satanic Sluts), is rubbing her hands in anticipation of the deals she’ll receive as a result of the publicity.

Judging by the number of videos of her on the news sites already (every one of them with her droning on about how outraged she is, whilst at the same time maintaining her doe eyed, smoky makeup, big-titted temptress look), she’s milking it for every last drop.

All the publicity seems like quite a good return on her initial investment of letting Brand fuck her because he was famous. Of course her new line is that,

I will be speaking to him [Sachs] to ask whether we should complain to the police and we’ll be making the decision as a family.

Oh come on! Let’s put this in perspective, no one died nothing in that call was malicious, stupid yes, malicious no. Is this the best use of police time? Do you think the CPS should even entertain this?

What’s more all of Baillie’s comments around the event are so hollow it’s unbelievable. That they’re being given any form of credence at all astonishes me! The best I’ve come across so far is this belter on the news that Brand and Ross had been suspended.

I’m really happy with the investigation. Me and my grandad are both really happy because it could have damaged our reputation permanently.

Sorry love? Your reputation? What reputation would this be? Your reputation as a woman who flashes her flange for money? Is that the reputation you concerned about damaging?

Please.

I do have a great deal of sympathy for Andrew Sachs, it wasn’t a nice message, I wouldn’t have liked to receive it. At the end of it all though everyone has admitted it was stupid and apologised for it, on top of which Sachs has accepted the apologies. There is no reason for this to be getting the attention it is.

The call that’s causing the outrage is transcribed after the jump if you fancy reading it.
(more…)

It was with interest that I noticed today that Pizza Hut has become Pasta Hut. Weird, I thought. Best tweet it.

And tweet it I did.

Turns out everyone in the world seemed to know that Pizza Hut has rebranded to Pasta Hut as part of some promotional thing they’ve got going on. At least that’s what all my Twitter chums told me.

But wait! What’s this? A quick google seems to indicate that this may be a permanent rebranding exercise! At least this article from The Times would have me believe that to be the case.

It does beg the question though, why? What do they hope to achieve by retaining the the same style logo and the exact same restaurants by just changing the name. Even the font in the logo is the same.

Surely if, as The Times article suggest, they are trying to appeal to the middle classes they should have started anew, ditched the hut roof logo altogether and gone for something a little classier.

It just doesn’t work, they’re clearly trying to maintain a very dangerous course out there in the middle ground.

They want the unwashed, pizza chomping masses to still recognise that they’re, more or less, the same Meat Feast flogging chain they were before but at the same time let the yummy mummies, with their sad eyed children, know that, ‘Hey! We’re healthy now, look we do crayfish arrabiata!’.

I seem to recall that Bella Pasta became Bella Italia a few years back, didn’t seem to do them much good. Their food was still shit and the service still abominable. I once got served a 10″ pepperoni pizza with just eight pieces of pepperoni on it. The manager couldn’t offer me anymore as head office had decreed that eight pieces per pizza was the limit. Madness.

It looks like Pizza Hut are about to fall into the trap of believing that a lick of paint and a new menu will sort out all their problems. It won’t.

It’s not their logo I dislike, it’s not their name or the decor inside. It’s not even the menu, I happen to like the occasional Meat Feast and go there now and again to sample its greasy delights.

No, it’s none of that. It’s the staff I can’t stand. Any shit hole can be made bearable with the right staff. Ditch the students and the Saturday working school kids and get in proper staff for proper wages.

Mark my words the first high street, down market eatery that serves half way decent food and employs adults on good money won’t be able to keep people away.

That I promise.

I’ve just received this email in to the mailbox I set up for photos from Lou and Andy’s wedding.

I think it’s safe to say I’m never going to have to work again!

GET BACK TO ME.ASAP

Greetings of the day to you, although you may be skeptical receiving this email as we have not met before, I am Mr. Song Lile I work with Hang Seng Bank Ltd., nevertheless I have a business proposition involving the sum of $24,500,000.00usd in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities.

Should you be interested, please forward the following to me: 1.Full names, 2.Occupation, 3.Private phone number, 4.Current residential address. Via this email address:mr_li.song@yahoo.com.hk Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated Song Lile.

So long suckers, I’m off to make a cool $12m.

Who actually falls for this bullshit? I mean really? Who?

If you want to do this sort of thing Mr Song Lile brush up on your fucking English and your letter writing skills.

Now I’m not sure which it is for sure but if I had to put my money on one side I’d go with obsolescence.

I cannot believe that this television has managed to sit by the same bins for three whole days without being swiped.

[singlepic=561]

It’s amazing what ends up by the bins in my apartment block, last week it was a set of crutches, the week before it was a standard lamp. Honestly Kate would have a field day [insert obligatory bin-pizza reference here].

So the Apple event has been and gone and with it my faith in Apple. What the fuck was that about?

My predictions proved very hit and miss, primarily because it was so short.

1. iPod Touch redesigned to have physical volume control, possibly built in speaker
   Victory is mine! Correct
2. iPod Touch range repriced, possible introduction of 64GB model
   A little bit wrong with that one, half a point
3. New iPod Nano design with widescreen
   Correct again, but an obvious one really
4. Possible bump in capacity of 160GB iPod Classic, 80GB to remain
   I would never have predicted a downgrade!
5. iPhone/iPod Touch firmware 2.1 released
   This was touch and go but right nonetheless
6. iTunes 8.0 released, introduction of a subscription service sadly unlikely
   Good guess!
7. Mac Mini possibly dropped from the Mac range
   Given the title of the gig I should have guessed, no Mac news
8. New MacBooks introduced
   See above, October for this now I think
9. iPod Shuffle to receive storage boost to 4GB
   Just plain wrong

4½ out of 9 isn’t bad, probably enough to get an A at A-level these days.

The actual content of the announcement was wank though. ‘New Nanos!’. Yay! Hardware! In lot’s of colours, now we’re talking.

‘The iPod Touch now has volume controls and a wee speaker!’. Good, ok, I can wait for the cool shit.

‘iTunes 8.0 with Genius’. Hmm, yes ok.

‘We’ve decided to downgrade the iPod classic range from 160GB to 120GB!’. Hang on? What?! Eh?

‘Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Johnson!’. Ah-ha, so here we go a bit of Jack and then it’s the one-more-thing announcement!

‘Bye.’. What? Eh?

Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

They love taking your photo on cruises almost as much as the freaky looking inhabitants of the floating holiday camp love having their photo taken.

At every turn there’s some hack with a digital camera snapping away at the unnaturally happy cruise folk as they stand there lapping it up, grinning like they’re Brad Pitt at Cannes

I swear that all these photos were on public display on board the ship, ready to be purchased by the unfortunates pictured. Unbelievable.

Anyway, look for yourself.

Oh and by the way, the couple in photo three were both wearing wedding bands. I don’t know what point I’m trying to make by saying that but, hey, each to their own.

So we’ve made it onto our cruise ship and it’s full of fat people and stupid people. Still it’s a break from the norm and who knows I might even get a tan.

I’ve been reminded by a couple of things today, that in the event of an emergency it won’t be any of my actions that will cause me to die, it’ll be other people. I’ll tell you for why.

At 16:30 today we had the mandatory ship evacuation drill. There were three rules.

1. Keep right at all times.
2. Go to the muster station printed on your life jacket.
3. Don’t put your life jacket on

Fairly straight forward, no?

Still, what did about 50% of these chunky, brain dead bastards manage to do?

That’s right, scramble about the corridors in any old fashion headed for the first muster station they saw, with their life jackets on.

For fuck’s sake people it’s not difficult, just follow the instructions, they were clear enough.

I fear for my safety in the event of a proper evacuation, everyone of these bloody idiots will panic and start waving their flabby arms around and the whole system will fall apart.

God help us all.

Finally! Proof that Stephen Hawking is an undercover racist!

Do you even vaguely understand that? I don’t. How can I begin to understand what this man is thinking if he believes that the term black hole is some form of racist slur?

Now if Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield had said that central collections was turning into a ‘nigger ghetto’ then fair enough he would have deserved a slap but given that he used a perfectly acceptable analogy to describe the manner in which tickets entered the department never to be seen again, the comment should have passed without incident.

For those of you still in the dark about this let’s look at the American Heritage Dictionary’s definition of black hole:

black hole
n.

1. An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
2. A great void; an abyss: The government created a bureaucratic black hole that swallows up individual initiative.

The second definition is especially fitting, don’t you think?

Now in that video Commissioner John Wiley Price also goes on to talk about devil’s food cake, angel’s food cake and black sheep.

Let’s look at the saying black sheep of the family. The term originated from sheep which are born into a herd of white sheep but have black wool. Black sheep were considered commercially undesirable because their wool couldn’t be dyed in the way that white wool could.

It’s not as if there were white supremacist sheep marching around subjugating the black sheep. It was just a handy metaphor used to refer to someone that stood out and wasn’t particularly popular. It has nothing to do with race.

Yet still we see these terms brought out by small minded bigots like Price to prove that white people are racist.

The first statement in the following clip probably says more about Commissioner Price than anything else.

The phrase after that just astounds me. You’ll need to sit down for this one.

Scientists could quite as easily have called it a white hole, why didn’t they?

Christ. Do I really have to answer that? Could it perhaps be that nothing escapes a black hole, not even light. Therefore if you were to look at one you would see nothing. It would be defined by the absence of any light. It would be black.

I suppose they could have called it a dark hole, but why would they!?

Not only that but the term white hole already exists, it’s the theoretical opposite of a black hole, what a black hole sucks in a white hole spews out. Do you think that’s racist too? Having said that the white hole/black hole combo forms a wormhole (by means of a Einstein-Rosen bridge fact fans), is that offensive to worms?

Who knows, I’m lost.

The very fact that anyone is taking this nonsense seriously enough to put it on the news is unbelievable. Not only that but it puts the cause of equality back by years.

It’s disturbing that we feel obliged to let people pretend they have been the victim of an attack, rather than the victim of their own ignorance.

Sad.

‘I put my complete trust in the sat nav and it led me right into the path of a speeding train.’

That’s because you’re a fucking idiot. However, she continues.

‘I came to this crossing at Ffynongain and there was, like, a metal gate, which looked like just a normal farmers’ gate with a red circle on it.’

A red circle? Hmmm, what could that possibly mean?

‘I thought it was a dead end at first and then there was a little sign saying, if the light is green, open the gates and drive through.’

If the light is green. What would you do? I know that I’d be looking for a green light, what’s more I wouldn’t move until I found one. What I wouldn’t do is, oh, too late…

‘So I opened the gate, drove forward, closed the gate behind me and then went to go and open the gate in front of me. Then I heard this train and I noticed train tracks.’.

What a dozy motherfucker, for the love of God, she’s a second year student at Birmingham University, good to see the future’s in safe hands, eh?

Her shitty little Clio was dragged half a mile down the tracks by a train and all she can say is ‘the crossing wasn’t shown on the sat nav.’, nothing about how she’s really sorry that she put people’s lives at risk, no, no none of that. Does the thought even occur to her that a train hitting her car could cause a derailment?

There are more people in the world than you love. What about the driver? For all he knows he’s hitting a car full of people. Are they going to die, is he going to die, are the people on his train going to die? Long and short of it, is he going to be responsible for the death of other human beings?

Fact is you’re too stupid to be allowed behind the wheel of a car. I say she should be prosecuted for driving without due care and attention.