So we’ve made it onto our cruise ship and it’s full of fat people and stupid people. Still it’s a break from the norm and who knows I might even get a tan.
I’ve been reminded by a couple of things today, that in the event of an emergency it won’t be any of my actions that will cause me to die, it’ll be other people. I’ll tell you for why.
At 16:30 today we had the mandatory ship evacuation drill. There were three rules.
Keep right at all times.
Go to the muster station printed on your life jacket.
Don’t put your life jacket on
Fairly straight forward, no?
Still, what did about 50% of these chunky, brain dead bastards manage to do?
That’s right, scramble about the corridors in any old fashion headed for the first muster station they saw, with their life jackets on.
For fuck’s sake people it’s not difficult, just follow the instructions, they were clear enough.
I fear for my safety in the event of a proper evacuation, everyone of these bloody idiots will panic and start waving their flabby arms around and the whole system will fall apart.
I may have tweeted about this a couple of times but people, especially young women, seem to have some kind of affliction that leads them to use like way too much in regular conversation.
It was heartening then, when I saw this amazing poster linked in Digg.
Finally! Proof that Stephen Hawking is an undercover racist!
Do you even vaguely understand that? I don’t. How can I begin to understand what this man is thinking if he believes that the term black hole is some form of racist slur?
Now if Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield had said that central collections was turning into a ‘nigger ghetto’ then fair enough he would have deserved a slap but given that he used a perfectly acceptable analogy to describe the manner in which tickets entered the department never to be seen again, the comment should have passed without incident.
For those of you still in the dark about this let’s look at the American Heritage Dictionary’s definition of black hole:
black hole n.
An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
A great void; an abyss: The government created a bureaucratic black hole that swallows up individual initiative.
The second definition is especially fitting, don’t you think?
Now in that video Commissioner John Wiley Price also goes on to talk about devil’s food cake, angel’s food cake and black sheep.
Let’s look at the saying black sheep of the family. The term originated from sheep which are born into a herd of white sheep but have black wool. Black sheep were considered commercially undesirable because their wool couldn’t be dyed in the way that white wool could.
It’s not as if there were white supremacist sheep marching around subjugating the black sheep. It was just a handy metaphor used to refer to someone that stood out and wasn’t particularly popular. It has nothing to do with race.
Yet still we see these terms brought out by small minded bigots like Price to prove that white people are racist.
The first statement in the following clip probably says more about Commissioner Price than anything else.
The phrase after that just astounds me. You’ll need to sit down for this one.
Scientists could quite as easily have called it a white hole, why didn’t they?
Christ. Do I really have to answer that? Could it perhaps be that nothing escapes a black hole, not even light. Therefore if you were to look at one you would see nothing. It would be defined by the absence of any light. It would be black.
I suppose they could have called it a dark hole, but why would they!?
Not only that but the term white hole already exists, it’s the theoretical opposite of a black hole, what a black hole sucks in a white hole spews out. Do you think that’s racist too? Having said that the white hole/black hole combo forms a wormhole (by means of a Einstein-Rosen bridge fact fans), is that offensive to worms?
Who knows, I’m lost.
The very fact that anyone is taking this nonsense seriously enough to put it on the news is unbelievable. Not only that but it puts the cause of equality back by years.
It’s disturbing that we feel obliged to let people pretend they have been the victim of an attack, rather than the victim of their own ignorance.
Nottingham station is currently undergoing a bit of refurbishment, consequently helpful signs have appeared dotted about, warning us busy commuters of the dangers of restricted access to footbridges and the like.
It was with great ire that I spotted one the other day at said:
Keep to left
Footbridge Access
as been moved
Now, aside from the bizarre use of capitalisation and the lack of the definite article before ‘left’, the wordsmith behind this piece of free form poetry masquerading as a sign, has committed one of the most irritating modern sins.
That sin is using ‘as’ when they mean ‘has’. For fuck’s sake, honestly how hard is it?
Before I boil up again I must reveal the silver lining behind this grubby, laminated cloud. There were two signs! The second had been helpfully annotated.
You Twitter boys provide a great service but you’re fucking it up. Come on, get with it! Google could do wonders with the Twitter brand and you’d never have to work again!
You know what would really impress me during a Ouija board session? If the glass were to move by itself.
Yeah that’d do it for me.
You see, that glass, or planchette if you really want to give your made up shit some authority, is in fact moved by what is known as the ideomotor effect. Tiny subconscious motor movements that you don’t even register.
Perhaps they’re not enough to fling a glass across a room, leave that to the charlatan running the show, but certainly enough to move it a few inches.
So I repeat, if you want me to believe in your silly little ghost stories, I want that fucker to move by itself.
Simon Smith of The Apprentice fame has been the subject of the worst hatchet job in the history of the series, after just four weeks, the only candidate I would even consider holding a conversation with, has been fired.
It stinks. He’d better not go back to installing Sky TV, that’s all I can say.
The guy has clearly got the correct attitude, he’s a doer, perhaps a little too direct at times perhaps even bullish but for Christ’s sake the people he was working along side were fucking morons. Petty, juvenile fuckwads, Sir Alan knew it and his advisors knew it but yet he still got fired. Bloody shame.
Then again I guess that’s the problem with shows like this, they’re not really intended to allow Sir Alan Sugar to find a new apprentice, they’re designed to provide ghoulish entertainment.
You have to be thick but egotistical to win The Apprentice. It’s that simple.
Oh yes, it also helps if you’re a true mangler of metaphors. Let’s here it for such gems as ‘I’ve had to breast feed you all along’, ‘throw your dummy out of the pram’, ‘stand up to the plate’ and the best yet ‘a missile that’s about to go into outer space and spontaneously combust‘. Fucking idiots.
The gene pool nearlygot shallower last month. Read the article and then answer the following question.
Why would you want to walk with a lion?
What kind of outlook on the world do you have to have to think that going walking with lions is a good idea? The whole notion of getting up close and personal with a creature that has evolved over thousands of years, to the point where it is now a 570 pound lump of walking muscle that could tear you apart, is completely alien to me.
What’s worse is that this woman is a teacher, a headmistress no less! It’s good to know that the education of future generations is once again in the safe hands of people like this. You know, I bet she classes herself as a ‘cat person’ and this is where her ridiculous notion regarding the cuteness of lions comes from.
Oh, and to the Daily Telegraph writer that came up with the web page title ‘Tourist tangles with killer lion’, a word of advice. The adjective ‘killer’ is usually entirely unnecessary, it’s a bit like saying wet water. Although in this case, ironically, it is also wholly inaccurate.
I wonder why Lily Allen is famous? As I see it it’s one of two things, it’s either her ability to convey the every day struggle of London twenty-somethings through the medium of song or, and I’m going out on a limb here, her dad.
Whatever it was it’s managed to ger her a TV show on BBC Three and what a show it is. If you like stilted interview technique you should check it out, if you don’t I’ll fill you in on the myriad reasons to avoid it.
For a starter somebody needs to tell the audience that whooping like Klan members at a lynching is not cool, especially since a pair of cats fucking gets outrageous amounts of laughter and clapping, yet Cuba Gooding Jr proclaiming Ridley Scott as an amazing director is received with stony silence.
The format itself is appalling, it’s all over the shop, everything feels shoehorned in. Internet clips, bands, celebrity interviews, embarrassing audience revelations all wrapped up in badly edited video. Of course the inclusion of audience participation by means of voting on the (now ubiquitous) show’s website just makes the whole affair feel even more low rent.
As an individual she’s absolutely loathful, she doesn’t appear able to keep her fucking mouth shut. Recent outbursts include:
Discussing her love of anal sex on The Great Big Quiz of the year.
Criticising Radiohead for their marketing of In Rainbows, claiming that it will make it more difficult for bands to break into the industry.
Saying that if her single Smile got to number one she’d celebrate with ‘gak’.
On the plus side she made us aware of the fact that she could put her fist in her mouth. Astounding. It’s also worth noting that it’s made by Princess Productions, hmmm, wonder who’s company that is?
My post the other day about the anti-piracy ads on DVDs reminded me of this spot on piece from the IT Crowd.
That’s about the size of it really isn’t it? These overblown pieces of propaganda are obscene, why should I automatically be labeled a potential movie thief for buying a DVD?
Whenever I buy a magazine, which at £4 for Sci-Fi Now is the same price as most of the DVDs I buy, I’m not forced to watch a mini documentary with a voice over warning me that photocopying is a crime, do I?
If I see this fucking clip one more time someone is going to get injured.
Why put this on legitimate DVDs? It makes absolutely no fucking sense, I’ve bought the film, I already own my copy why do I need to be told not to steal movies? What’s more if I were to copy this DVD chances are I would trim it down and drop this fucking commercial off it anyway.
Recent Comments