Crackerwax

If you’ve got the right money that is. Seemingly Adidas had the right money.

Part of me still thinks it’s very well done and kind of cool, but this it clearly illustrates exactly how little artistic integrity George Lucas has.

I mean, really, rehashing the famous cantina scene, from one of the most iconic films ever made just to sell football boots and running shoes? If that doesn’t scream sell-out, I don’t know what does.

Fair enough, it’s his creation to do with what he will but even so, how much money does one man need? Is there nothing he wouldn’t allow Star Wars be used to endorse?

We’ve already seen Darth Vader and the droids used in adverts for Energizer batteries, Currys electrical stores, Tunes menthol throat sweets and Volkswagen Passats, what can we expect to be added to that roster?

I’m betting if the people at Always gave the beardy old twat enough money, he’d let them use Princess Leia in an white gown to advertise the need for good protection from your panty liner. Always, for those days when the Force just isn’t enough…

No I don’t think there’s anything George Lucas wouldn’t do for money. What a shame.

Games™ and their appalling proof reading.

I’d always thought that writing for a magazine would mean that you had a good grasp of the language you were writing in. Look at this from the Gmaes™ review of Guitar Hero III.

The bit underlined in red is unforgivable. What sort of people do they have writing for them, glue sniffers?

I just cannot understand why it is that Gmaes™ never spot these errors before they go to print. what does their editor do? I can’t believe for one second that the entire magazine isn’t proofread before publication? I mean, really?

Come on, I know timescales are tight in the magazine business but fundamental errors of grammar like this shouldn’t happen, let alone be allowed out there in the published magazine.

Still, I could of really loosed my temper over there disregard, this as to stop.

It’s been released! The PlayStation 3 is here and you can buy one anywhere you want, anywhere. Anywhere.

Game? Check!

Woolworths? Check!

Playtime? Check!

Currys? Check!

Gamestation? Check!

Wow, try getting a Wii from any of them, pah, fat fucking chance.

Anyway, for a change I’ve decided not to rant about Sony this time, rather the pathetic shabby looking emporium of tat that is Gamestation in Burton.

Now as a rule I love Gamestation, the one in Stafford was excellent the people that ran it new about games, ran the store as a business rather than a social club and were really helpful and friendly. Fast forward to Burton and oh my, my.

Let’s start with the staff, every single one of them is under 23 and apathetic. Oh, and boy do they love their music and they love letting everyone know about it too. Although I don’t think a Velvet Revolver cover of the Sex Pistol’s tune Bodies is what paying customers need to hear. Although for those not in the know let’s recap some of the choicer lyrics:

She was a girl from Birmingham
She just had an abortion
She was a case of insanity
Her name was Pauline she lived in a tree

And boy does it get better, try these ones, bear in mind this was four o’clock on a Thursday afternoon:

Fuck this and fuck that fuck it all and
Fuck the fucking brat
She don’t wanna baby that looks like that
I don’t wanna baby that looks like that

Now I’m no prude and in fact I own the original and love the cover too, I’d just question the need for them to be playing something that most people would find offensive so loud that they couldn’t actually hear their customers.

Anyway this isn’t even the best bit. No, no, it gets better. As I mentioned earlier the PlayStation 3 was released on Friday, so I mooched down to the very same Gamestation I’m ranting about here to check it out.

Now they had a standard demo booth thingy, nice big Sony 1080p LCD with Virtua Fighter 5 blasting away on it. Now I’m not a fan of the Virtua Fighter series, the second one was cool but since the last time I touched a Saturn was in 1998, I’ve now become more of a Tekken fan.

I digress.

Suffice to say as somewhat of a non-fan I’d prefer to look at the other launch title; MotorStom. So I dutifuly fought my way through the wall of noise to the counter and asked one of the soap-dodging-youths behind the counter if I could take a look at MotorStorm.

His answer stunned me.

No, not really. We don’t like MotorStorm, we prefer Virtua Fighter better.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, not only was it grammatically suspect but it apparently takes too much effort – read any effort at all – to get the disc swapped over or something and besides they didn’t like MotorStorm.

At this point it was pointed out – by me – that I was the customer and would really like to see MotorStorm if they had any realistic hope of me buying a PlayStation 3 at any point soon. This resulted in actual laughter.

What? It’s at this point I wanted to say this.

Look son it costs £425 and you’re sitting on forty surplus of the fuckers on launch day, I don’t give a two shits which game you think is best, you slimy little oxygen thief, I’m the customer, I’m being polite, I want to try MotorStorm.

I really think you should be a little more open to demoing the thing to potential customers – who could very easily buy it somewhere else – rather than attempting to assert your worthless, dope addled opinion.

Contrary to what your life experience thus far has shown you, you really are a worthless little no-mark, you’re about as likeable and funny as a Nazi paedophile. Your entire existence on this planet was predicated by a mistake your mother made behind some bins at her local pub while she was out of her face on Blue Nun.

So, if you want to pay your dealer this month I’d suggest you get your greasy, tobacco stained little hands in that display cabinet and swap the disc over. Furthermore you might want to consider wiping that irritating, prickish little smirk off your face before I decide to do it for you with my shoes.

I didn’t though. As it was I just walked out, it’s not long ago that I would’ve kicked off big style. I’ve come a long way.