Crackerwax

We’re a bit slow with this one sorry about that. Anyway it would appear that some enterprising Australian cosplayers (if you don’t know what that is, look it up and prepare to be horrified) decided to dress up like Daleks.

Not unusal you say? A little ambitious? Mayhap, however look at how they did it.

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Now we’ve got to admit that they’re some pretty classy Australian birds right there, whisks and plungers in hand. Still you’ve got to hand it to those girls for doing something that Russell T Davies and his cohorts would never ever do; redesign the Dalek.

Arf, arf, etc. ad nauseum…

I bought a Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar the other day. It was substandard. So I wrote this letter.

Dear Lovely Cadbury’s Consumer Relations People

Whilst travelling to Bradford recently Elizabeth and I decided to stop at a motorway service station to purchase some snack products for our journey. As I was in charge of the purchases I decided upon the following:

• One 500ml bottle of Diet Coke
• One 500ml bottle Dr Pepper
• Two Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars

The choice of the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars was obvious. Both Elizabeth and I are big fans of your famous Cadbury’s Creme Eggs but given that we were in a car hurtling up the motorway I felt it prudent to enjoy the Cadbury’s Creme Egg experience in bar form.

Now, I have nothing against your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs, it’s just that they are a little difficult to eat sometimes and are a snack better suited to the home environment (on the sofa, in the lounge when watching Ashes To Ashes for example). Sorry, I digress; I’ll get to the point.

Upon biting in to her Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar Elizabeth’s delight was obvious, the noises alone indicated enjoyment far above the norm! However it was a very different story when I bit into my bar, a very different story indeed.

It was solid!

That’s right solid. You can imagine my surprise when that happened. The enclosed picture was taken when I returned home.

Additionally I have retained the part of the bar that was left (it was a struggle to stop Elizabeth from eating it I can tell you!) and enclose a small chunk (wrapped in cling film) for your forensic analysis. I can tell you this much though, it was definitely the same type of chocolate that you make your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs out of (delicious and tasty).

I would very dearly love to know exactly what happened in your Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory when this bar was being produced. Was it sabotage by a rival firm? A disgruntled former employee interfering with the fondant injector perhaps? Or could it have been an escaped experiment, the result of a secret project with a special ‘black budget’, set up to research new and innovative products? Who knows, all I know is I was shocked and a little disappointed.

I don’t like to talk about money but I fear given the current economic climate I must. I am obviously now out of pocket to the tune of approximately 65p, if you factor in my time and the cost of producing this letter it rises to a whopping £1.40.

I’m not going to claim damages for emotional distress though so don’t worry. I would settle out of court for the following:

• An explanation of why my Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar was hewn from solid (solid!) chocolate
• A trip for two around the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory
• One box of Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars
• A signed photo of Trevor Bond (your Managing Director, he must have had a hand in this if it was a secret project?)

I await your response with baited breath.

Keep on trucking!

Jon

PS This little incident has in no way affected my view of your products, as I type I’m tucking in to a delicious bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk!

PPS My phone number, if you need to call me, is 07939 325 186.

PPPS If it was a secret project my discretion is assured. Please don’t send the heavies around, I have a weak ankle.

Not had a response yet…

In a fit of pique last night we decided that Doctor Who Is Shit was a bit disparaging and, to be honest, a little too rude for the title of this site. So to that end we proudly present the new and improved Doctor Who Is Dire!

It had to be done.

I love Joanna Lumley, she’s foxy, dignified and not altogether unlikeable. She is also sadly cringingly naive. After having heard her talking on Radio 4 this morning I became less and less inclined to be bothered about the whole Gurkha thing.

Don’t leave here under the wrong impression, I really believe all the Gurkhas that fight in wars on behalf of the United Kingdom should be allowed citizenship and a decent pension, it’s just that both sides are being a bit on the wank side with their arguments.

The Government is giving the impression that it doesn’t care and is pathetically inefficient (which it may well be) and the Lumley contingent are tub thumping without concern for due process or any concern at all about setting legal precedent.

You see that’s the bit that worries me, if we change the rules for one group of individuals it opens the floodgates for legal challenges from every other fucker.

All the rhetoric about our letting in asylum seekers/Polish builders/Belgian paedophiles and not our noble, brave Gurkha chums is horseshit. At the end of it all I’m fairly certain if citizenship was a game of musical chairs and it came down to a fight between Joanna Lumley and a Gurkha for the last chair, I’m certain Lumley would be up for a fight for it.

I’m also fairly certain the Gurkha would win. Ayo Gorkhali!

Doctor Who Is Dire is now on Twitter in its own right. We feel oh, so grown up!

Follow @DoctorWhoIsDire by clicking here! and if you haven’t got a Twitter account you really should you know.

You really should. All the coolest people have one.

Obviously Chris Moyles is the exception that proves the rule.

So there I was, in Bradford, at the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television when I saw a Dalek.

Cripes I thought, I’d better be careful it looks really far away, but they can trundle quite quickly on level, perfectly smooth, ground. I’d better make a dash for it. You can see the fear in my eyes!

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It was at the point above that I realised I’d been duped. It wasn’t far away at all it was just really, really tiny.

And shit.

How they plan on conquering the universe is beyond me. Short arse Skaro bastards.