Crackerwax

Another week and another ridiculous overblown hoo-hah in the press about some poor sod or other.

This week it’s the turn of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to be on the receiving end of the tabloid press’ moral indignation. How journalists can consider themselves moral is beyond me, still that’s a rant for another day.

As you are no doubt aware by now, given that it’s the top story on every news channel at the moment (wonder if Al Jazeera have covered it?), Russell Brand had Jonathan Ross on his Radio 2 show and they left Andrew Sachs a series of rather misjudged and ill advised answer phone messages.

The gist of it is that Andrew Sachs was due to give an interview on Brand’s show but for one reason or another when he was called they got his answer phone, Brand being Brand and Ross being Ross this lead to an ideal opportunity for a spot of tomfoolery. Let’s be honest though it’s kind of what you expect from a stand up comic who hosts a radio show, we’re not talking about Jimmy Young here are we?

Unfortunately the message got out of hand very quickly and three things happened.

1. Ross said ‘fucked’.
2. It was made clear that Brand had slept with Sach’s granddaughter.
3. An impromptu and bawdy song was sung about the liaison into Sach’s answer phone.

I happened to hear it live and whilst I didn’t think it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard, I didn’t think it was anything that anyone should have lost their job over.

Of course the media being the media were falling over themselves to expose Brand for the filthmongering, sex obsessed, junkie scum bag he so clearly is. I half expect to wake up and read calls for Ross to have his tongue cut out and for Brand to be castrated!

So far the result of all this has been:

• Russell Brand has resigned.
• Lesley Douglas has resigned as controller of Radio 2.
• Jonathan Ross has been suspended for 12 weeks.
• Gordon Brown has made a statement about it.
• Amazingly, despite the answer phone message, the world still continues to spin on its axis.

That the show only garnered two complaints at the time of its broadcast, yet has since received over 37,000, stands as testament to the media circus that has developed. Of course most of that can be attributed to the Mail On Sunday’s front page article about it. I think the very fact that only 0.00003% of complaints were received from actual listeners speaks volumes.

Meanwhile Georgina Baillie, the outraged granddaughter in question (you’ll probably know her best as Voluptua from the Satanic Sluts), is rubbing her hands in anticipation of the deals she’ll receive as a result of the publicity.

Judging by the number of videos of her on the news sites already (every one of them with her droning on about how outraged she is, whilst at the same time maintaining her doe eyed, smoky makeup, big-titted temptress look), she’s milking it for every last drop.

All the publicity seems like quite a good return on her initial investment of letting Brand fuck her because he was famous. Of course her new line is that,

I will be speaking to him [Sachs] to ask whether we should complain to the police and we’ll be making the decision as a family.

Oh come on! Let’s put this in perspective, no one died nothing in that call was malicious, stupid yes, malicious no. Is this the best use of police time? Do you think the CPS should even entertain this?

What’s more all of Baillie’s comments around the event are so hollow it’s unbelievable. That they’re being given any form of credence at all astonishes me! The best I’ve come across so far is this belter on the news that Brand and Ross had been suspended.

I’m really happy with the investigation. Me and my grandad are both really happy because it could have damaged our reputation permanently.

Sorry love? Your reputation? What reputation would this be? Your reputation as a woman who flashes her flange for money? Is that the reputation you concerned about damaging?

Please.

I do have a great deal of sympathy for Andrew Sachs, it wasn’t a nice message, I wouldn’t have liked to receive it. At the end of it all though everyone has admitted it was stupid and apologised for it, on top of which Sachs has accepted the apologies. There is no reason for this to be getting the attention it is.

The call that’s causing the outrage is transcribed after the jump if you fancy reading it.

That call in full.

Russell Brand (RB): ‘This is Andrew Sachs’s answer phone. Right Jonathan, well this is unconventional…’

Jonathan Ross (JR): ‘Don’t worry I’ll blurt something out”

RB: ‘Don’t blurt something out, not on the answer phone Jonathan.’

Andrew Sachs’s Answer Phone: ‘Sorry I can’t answer at the moment, but please call again or leave a message. Speak after the tone, thank you.’

RB: ‘Hello Andrew Sachs this is Russell Brand. I am a great appreciator of your work over the decades. You’re meant to be on my show now mate, I don’t know why you’re not answering the phone, it’s a bit difficult – I’m here with Jonathan Ross.’

JR: ‘Hello Andrew…’

RB: ‘That’s Jonathan Ross speaking now. Anyway, we understand.. anyway.. we can still do the interview to his answer phone…’

JR: ‘He’s fucking your granddaughter!’ (laughter) ‘I’m sorry I apologise. Andrew I apologise… I got excited, what can I say. it just came out.’

RB: ‘Andrew Sachs, I did not do nothing with Georgina – oh no I’ve revealed I know her name! Oh no it’s a disaster.’

‘Abort, abort. Please watch that show. I am out of The Bill, starring Andrew Sachs, I’m out of The Bill… Put the phone down, put the phone down, code red, code red. I’m sorry Mr Fawlty I’m sorry, they’re a waste of space…’

JR: ‘… How could I carry that round in my head like a big brain blister all day? I had to pop it and let the pressure out…’

‘Like it’s really bothered us though, he’s the poor man sitting at home sobbing over his answer machine…’

‘If he’s like most people of a certain age he’s probably got a picture of his grandchildren when they’re young right by the phone.’

‘So while he’s listening to the messages he’s looking at a picture of her about nine on a swing.’

RB: ‘She was on a swing when I met her. Oh no!’

JR: ‘And probably enjoyed her.’

RB: ‘Let’s ring back Andrew Sachs… What if he answers this time? Oh no Jonathan please. I’ll do anything.’

(Andrew Sachs’s answer phone message comes on for a second time.)

RB: ‘Andrew this is Russell Brand. I’m so sorry about the last message. It was part of the radio show. It was a mistake.’

JR: ‘It was just a joke. If there is any truth in that, I don’t know. It was just a joke.’

RB: ‘It was just a joke that we done. I didn’t ask him to say it though…’

JR: ‘It might be true, but we didn’t want to break it to you in such a harsh way.’

RB: ‘Ok, look the truth is, Andrew I’m ringing you to ask if I can marry, that’s right marry your granddaughter, Georgina the granddaughter.’

JR: ‘And I’d like to be a page boy.’

RB: ‘He wants to be a page boy. We’re going to have a Fawlty Towers-themed wedding.’

JR: ‘No, no, you’ve spoiled it…’

RB: ‘No I’m sorry I’ll do anything. I wore a condom. Put the phone down. Oh, what’s going to happen?…’

JR: ‘You’ll never become king rat in the Variety Club now Russell Brand.’

RB: ‘Oh no that’s over for me. I’m never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we’ve made the situation worse.’

JR: ‘Who’d have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse.’

RB: ‘How could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences.’

JR: ‘Our intentions were pure.’

RB: ‘You know the only way we can make this better don’t you?’

JR: ‘Let’s phone him again. Let’s leave a nice message.’

RB: ‘Listen, we’ve got to make it better. We’ll phone Andrew Sachs back. We’ve got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I’m convinced we can make it better.’

JR: ‘What should we not mention, the war?’

RB: ‘Don’t mention the war, don’t mention his granddaughter. Don’t say: ‘You only ever played Manuel’… Don’t mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! We’ll just sing to him. I’ll make up something as I go along.’

JR: ‘I’ll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie.’

RB: ‘I’ve always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit.’

(The answer phone message plays again).

JR: (as the message plays): ‘She was bent over the couch…’

RB (singing): ‘I’d like to apologise for these terrible attacks, Andrew Sachs.

‘I’d like to show contrition to the max, Andrew Sachs.’

‘I’d like to create world peace, between the yellow, whites and blacks Andrew Sachs, Andrew Sachs.’

‘I said some things I didn’t of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter.’

‘But it was consensual and she wasn’t menstrual it was consensual lovely sex.’

‘It’s full of respect. I sent her a text. I’ve asked her to marry me…’

‘Oh Andrew Sachs, will you marry Jonathan, it sounds like he wants to now.’

JR: ‘This has made it worse, I feel it’s made it worse, you’ve trivialised the whole terrible incident. It started fine and then you went on about nonsense.’

RB: ‘You said you wanted to marry him…’

JR: ‘I wasn’t really listening to you, I was concentrating on my back harmonies… There’s only one way we could possibly make this better.’

(Brand laughs)

RB: ‘What can we do?’

JR: ‘Let’s use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology… Pretend you’re Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil you’ve caused by saying that you jumped on a relative.’

RB: ‘Yes, you’re right Jonathan, you’re right. Only by doing the exact thing that we’ve done three times already can we make the situation better.’

JR: ‘If you learn one thing from history, it’s do not repeat your mistakes.’

RB: ‘Don’t repeat them.’

JR: ‘So let’s do it right this time.’

RB: ‘Thank God Jonathan.’

JR: ‘Maybe this time… I want to do the song this time.’

RB: ‘You’re not doing the lyrics. You’ll balls it up. And can’t do backing it’s not in my nature.’

JR: ‘But you talked about his granddaughter’s menstruation.’

RB: ‘Look we’ve got a golden opportunity here, to make Andrew Sachs happy.’

JR: ‘… we should go in a little bit more relaxed this time.’

RB: ‘Right yeah that’s true, let’s not look at this as the last time we’re going to call Andrew Sachs.’

(Ross laughs)

JR: ‘…The wonder of technology is such that we can keep doing this for hours.’

RB: ‘And even after the show’s finished Jonathan we can find out where Andrew Sachs lives, kick his front door in and scream apologies into his bottom… We can just keep on troubling Andrew Sachs… let’s do it, right, ok.’

‘You pretend you’re Andrew Sachs’s answer phone.’

JR: ‘Hello, Manuel is not in right now. Leave your message after the tone.’

RB (As the phone rings again): ‘Alright Andrew Sachs’s answer phone, I’m ever so sorry for what I said about Andrew Sachs.’

JR: ‘Just say: ‘Sorry’.’

RB (laughing): ‘I’ll kill you!’

JR: ‘Don’t say you’ll wear him as a hat, just say: ‘Sorry’.’

RB: ‘Sorry, right.’

This entry was posted on Friday, October 31st, 2008 at 2:40 am and is filed under People, Unbelievable. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.