Crackerwax

I’ve just received this email in to the mailbox I set up for photos from Lou and Andy’s wedding.

I think it’s safe to say I’m never going to have to work again!

GET BACK TO ME.ASAP

Greetings of the day to you, although you may be skeptical receiving this email as we have not met before, I am Mr. Song Lile I work with Hang Seng Bank Ltd., nevertheless I have a business proposition involving the sum of $24,500,000.00usd in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities.

Should you be interested, please forward the following to me: 1.Full names, 2.Occupation, 3.Private phone number, 4.Current residential address. Via this email address:mr_li.song@yahoo.com.hk Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated Song Lile.

So long suckers, I’m off to make a cool $12m.

Who actually falls for this bullshit? I mean really? Who?

If you want to do this sort of thing Mr Song Lile brush up on your fucking English and your letter writing skills.

Technorati rank this website at 1,943,068. That seems a tad low…

I recently announced that, thanks in no small part to his outstanding performance at the end of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, my goal for 2009 was to meet William Shatner.

Well no sooner had I announced this, than I had changed my mind and decided that a less prominent target should be attempted first. Almost like a bit of a warm up.

My new target was to be game writing legend Jeff Minter. My thinking being that Wales was easier to get to than California.

Well, I’ve come under heavy fire for this decision. So have opted to give the final say to my reader. So go on, vote away reader!

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I should add that the original decision to stalk Shatner was undertaken whilst heavily intoxicated. Andy and I had had three bottles of red wine, the remains of a box of white and quite a few vodka and lemonades.

In fact Andy had originally pledged to under take this journey with me but I suspect my cherry-beer-fuelled take on Shatner’s famous speech had probably sent him funny.

It’s not really too clear in the photo, for which I apologise, but this guy had a belting Chuckle Brothers style mullet! What’s more he was German.

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Along with David Hasselhoff in leather trousers this type of thing is obviously acceptable in Germany.

Shame on them.

As you may have noticed from my recent tweets I’ve just spent most of today sitting in airports and scooting up and down the country in a jet.

Before we get ahead of ourselves, when I say scooting up and down the country in a jet I don’t want anyone picturing Led Zeppelin groupie molestation style craziness or any fighter pilot nonsense.

No, no. I mean getting on a flight at the crack of dawn with other earnest young business men to fly to Edinburgh and then getting back on the reverse flight later that day.

Nothing even vaguely cool. Regardless though it’s not the jet bit that’s of interest, it’s the airports.

When Obi-Wan Kenobi (you might know him as old Ben) says: ‘Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.’, he’d clearly never been to East Midlands Airport at five in the morning.

Fuck me! I’ve never seen such a bedraggled bunch of scummy, fake Louis Vuitton toting, Crocs wearing, inbred half wits.

Every single one of them off to the sun to get shit faced, shag other equally unattractive bottom feeders and return home crawling with STDs, happy that they’d had a splendid time.

I’ll say it again because it bears repeating, it was five in the morning. Five in the morning and I saw people drinking Guinness.

I counted three hen parties and two stag do’s. I’m sure there were countless others it was just that I couldn’t help but notice the stag do’s because of their ‘Boys On Tour’ rugby shirts and the hens thanks to their ever so tasteful penis shaped deely-boppers.

There was also a birthday party flying out to Malaga. They were lovely. Over the strains of Metallica’s latest opus I discovered that Angela was ‘shagging her man’s best friend’, that her sister thought (in a sing song voice) she was going to get caught out and that ‘her Mam had give her £150′.

Remember that I heard this over the Metallica that was playing through my headphones. I could hear these people discuss their private lives over the sound of heavy metal. Classy.

What does it say about society that when I was called to board at 06:40 I had to ask people to excuse me to get through the queue for the bar?

Good grief, I like a drink but who in their right mind wants to drink Heineken for breakfast?

We have though, yeah? If you haven’t it’s an experience you really ought to have had.

Your house mates (or room mates as our American cousins would have it) can really get on your tits. Whether they leave every utensil in the house covered in melted on, bright orange cheese, stroll around the house in only a towel or shit in the bathroom sink (true story, ask me about Nigel) we grow to hate those close to us in some way, at some point.

That’s why this YouTube video is so good.

Seemingly this guy’s house mate had been getting up early in the morning, going to college and slamming the door on his way out. Getting sick of this thoughtless behaviour our erstwhile auteur decided to enact a little revenge.

Roommate Revenge Buttered Floor – Watch more free videos

Priceless.

The night before Andy and Lou’s wedding saw myself and Andy at a loose end in New York. Consequently we ended up in Live Bait drinking beer. That was until we discovered the joys of frozen margaritas. In pints!

Nice!

As anyone who knows me will testify, my favourite activity, after having downed a few cherry beers, is to quote Captain Kirk’s immortal lines from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

It was this one scene that last night, lead to a drunken conversation where it was decided that the goal for 2009 is to meet William Shatner.

I will be ruminating about how to go about doing this but all suggestions will be greatly received. First on the list though is the setting up of a Google alert for ‘William Shatner’.

A few months back Andy and I tried our hand at drinking Rickstasys. For those not in the know the Rickstasy is the worlds most evil drink, tasty but evil, it’s one of Amy Winehouse’s favourite tipples, which should really have set alarm bells ringing.

Anyway having watched a bit of Doctor Who and having had about three of these wonder drinks Andy and I hit the town. It did not go well.

We were leathered. It transpires that, as a Rickstasy contains three parts vodka, one part Southern Comfort, one part banana liqueur and one part Baileys, we’d had the equivalent of two nights drinking in an hour.

As it turns out the lovely Amy Winehouse had this to say about them.

By the time you’ve had two of them you’re like, don’t even try and go anywhere. Sit down and stay down, until the birds start singing.

We should have known better really.

In August my site got 1,281 hits! That’s 41 a day! I’m rather happy about that.

In order to prove how much like ELO, LEO are I present to you one of the choice cuts from their one and only album Alpacas Orgling.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

You must agree it is a wee bit ELOish no?

Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy?

Have you seen the new Microsoft adverts, featuring former Microsoft CEO William Henry Gates III and comedian Jerome Allen Seinfeld? They’re actually rather amusing.

Fuck knows what the point of them is, they do seem to be entirely without point, but nevertheless they are still rather amusing.

Have a watch. Part one:

Part two:

Let’s just hope they’re not another Lost and we end up watching them for years, not quite knowing what the hell they’re about!

Oh and just one more thing. Note the really rather cool use, in the first clip, of the mugshot from Gates’ 1977 bust in New Mexico for running a stop sign and driving without a license. Neat.

Now I’m not sure which it is for sure but if I had to put my money on one side I’d go with obsolescence.

I cannot believe that this television has managed to sit by the same bins for three whole days without being swiped.

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It’s amazing what ends up by the bins in my apartment block, last week it was a set of crutches, the week before it was a standard lamp. Honestly Kate would have a field day [insert obligatory bin-pizza reference here].

So here it is, my latest stupid idea to try and while away the days. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you: The Amazing 31 Days In October Movie Challenge!

It is my intention to watch one movie, that I haven’t already seen, for every day in October.

The list, in order, for those that give a shit is:

1. Sympathy For Mister Vengeance
2. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!
3. Man On Fire
4. Narc
5. Die Hard 4.0
6. Fallen
7. Secretary
8. The Passion Of The Christ
9. Sideways
10. The Good Shepherd
11. Capote
12. Ichi The Killer
13. A Tale Of Two Sisters
14. Zodiac
15. Monster’s Ball
16. Schindler’s List
17. Spun
18. Kung Fu Hustle
19. Yojimbo
20. Stoned
21. Singles
22. Amelie
23. Million Dollar Baby
24. THX 1138
25. Being John Malkovich
26. Elektra
27. Rain Man
28. 猫の恩返し (The Cat Returns)
29. Renaissance
30. The Machinist
31. Videodrome

Quite a list, huh? Looks a bit daunting but I’m committed, look I’ve dug them all out and everything!

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Stay tuned!

So the Apple event has been and gone and with it my faith in Apple. What the fuck was that about?

My predictions proved very hit and miss, primarily because it was so short.

1. iPod Touch redesigned to have physical volume control, possibly built in speaker
   Victory is mine! Correct
2. iPod Touch range repriced, possible introduction of 64GB model
   A little bit wrong with that one, half a point
3. New iPod Nano design with widescreen
   Correct again, but an obvious one really
4. Possible bump in capacity of 160GB iPod Classic, 80GB to remain
   I would never have predicted a downgrade!
5. iPhone/iPod Touch firmware 2.1 released
   This was touch and go but right nonetheless
6. iTunes 8.0 released, introduction of a subscription service sadly unlikely
   Good guess!
7. Mac Mini possibly dropped from the Mac range
   Given the title of the gig I should have guessed, no Mac news
8. New MacBooks introduced
   See above, October for this now I think
9. iPod Shuffle to receive storage boost to 4GB
   Just plain wrong

4½ out of 9 isn’t bad, probably enough to get an A at A-level these days.

The actual content of the announcement was wank though. ‘New Nanos!’. Yay! Hardware! In lot’s of colours, now we’re talking.

‘The iPod Touch now has volume controls and a wee speaker!’. Good, ok, I can wait for the cool shit.

‘iTunes 8.0 with Genius’. Hmm, yes ok.

‘We’ve decided to downgrade the iPod classic range from 160GB to 120GB!’. Hang on? What?! Eh?

‘Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Johnson!’. Ah-ha, so here we go a bit of Jack and then it’s the one-more-thing announcement!

‘Bye.’. What? Eh?

Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

It’s less than twenty four hours until Apple make their latest announcement.

As ever I proffer up my predictions on the content of their Keynote.

1. iPod Touch redesigned to have physical volume control, possibly built in speaker
2. iPod Touch range repriced, possible introduction of 64GB model
3. New iPod Nano design with widescreen
4. Possible bump in capacity of 160GB iPod Classic, 80GB to remain
5. iPhone/iPod Touch firmware 2.1 released
6. iTunes 8.0 released, introduction of a subscription service sadly unlikely
7. Mac Mini possibly dropped from the Mac range
8. New MacBooks introduced
9. iPod Shuffle to receive storage boost to 4GB

I’m usually completely wrong with these sort of things but it I would say that iTunes is a dead cert, as is the new Nano and the increased capacity Shuffle.

Of course all of this will undoubtedly result in me being parted from my cash at some point down the line, although I don’t need any more iPods I think a nice little aluminium MacBook might be nice.

I’ve just had an idea! After I’ve finished my one year photo project I’m going to use them in a phot mosiac portrait of me!

On numerous occasions I’ve considered posting videos on YouTube. After seeing and hearing this I’ve decided that severe quality control is required before such an endeavour is undertaken.

Charismatic, huh?

They love taking your photo on cruises almost as much as the freaky looking inhabitants of the floating holiday camp love having their photo taken.

At every turn there’s some hack with a digital camera snapping away at the unnaturally happy cruise folk as they stand there lapping it up, grinning like they’re Brad Pitt at Cannes

I swear that all these photos were on public display on board the ship, ready to be purchased by the unfortunates pictured. Unbelievable.

Anyway, look for yourself.

Oh and by the way, the couple in photo three were both wearing wedding bands. I don’t know what point I’m trying to make by saying that but, hey, each to their own.