I’ve just received this email in to the mailbox I set up for photos from Lou and Andy’s wedding.

I think it’s safe to say I’m never going to have to work again!

GET BACK TO ME.ASAP

Greetings of the day to you, although you may be skeptical receiving this email as we have not met before, I am Mr. Song Lile I work with Hang Seng Bank Ltd., nevertheless I have a business proposition involving the sum of $24,500,000.00usd in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities.

Should you be interested, please forward the following to me: 1.Full names, 2.Occupation, 3.Private phone number, 4.Current residential address. Via this email address:mr_li.song@yahoo.com.hk Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated Song Lile.

So long suckers, I’m off to make a cool $12m.

Who actually falls for this bullshit? I mean really? Who?

If you want to do this sort of thing Mr Song Lile brush up on your fucking English and your letter writing skills.

Technorati rank this website at 1,943,068. That seems a tad low…

I recently announced that, thanks in no small part to his outstanding performance at the end of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, my goal for 2009 was to meet William Shatner.

Well no sooner had I announced this, than I had changed my mind and decided that a less prominent target should be attempted first. Almost like a bit of a warm up.

My new target was to be game writing legend Jeff Minter. My thinking being that Wales was easier to get to than California.

Well, I’ve come under heavy fire for this decision. So have opted to give the final say to my reader. So go on, vote away reader!

[poll=21]

I should add that the original decision to stalk Shatner was undertaken whilst heavily intoxicated. Andy and I had had three bottles of red wine, the remains of a box of white and quite a few vodka and lemonades.

In fact Andy had originally pledged to under take this journey with me but I suspect my cherry-beer-fuelled take on Shatner’s famous speech had probably sent him funny.

It’s not really too clear in the photo, for which I apologise, but this guy had a belting Chuckle Brothers style mullet! What’s more he was German.

[singlepic=586]

Along with David Hasselhoff in leather trousers this type of thing is obviously acceptable in Germany.

Shame on them.

As you may have noticed from my recent tweets I’ve just spent most of today sitting in airports and scooting up and down the country in a jet.

Before we get ahead of ourselves, when I say scooting up and down the country in a jet I don’t want anyone picturing Led Zeppelin groupie molestation style craziness or any fighter pilot nonsense.

No, no. I mean getting on a flight at the crack of dawn with other earnest young business men to fly to Edinburgh and then getting back on the reverse flight later that day.

Nothing even vaguely cool. Regardless though it’s not the jet bit that’s of interest, it’s the airports.

When Obi-Wan Kenobi (you might know him as old Ben) says: ‘Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.’, he’d clearly never been to East Midlands Airport at five in the morning.

Fuck me! I’ve never seen such a bedraggled bunch of scummy, fake Louis Vuitton toting, Crocs wearing, inbred half wits.

Every single one of them off to the sun to get shit faced, shag other equally unattractive bottom feeders and return home crawling with STDs, happy that they’d had a splendid time.

I’ll say it again because it bears repeating, it was five in the morning. Five in the morning and I saw people drinking Guinness.

I counted three hen parties and two stag do’s. I’m sure there were countless others it was just that I couldn’t help but notice the stag do’s because of their ‘Boys On Tour’ rugby shirts and the hens thanks to their ever so tasteful penis shaped deely-boppers.

There was also a birthday party flying out to Malaga. They were lovely. Over the strains of Metallica’s latest opus I discovered that Angela was ‘shagging her man’s best friend’, that her sister thought (in a sing song voice) she was going to get caught out and that ‘her Mam had give her £150′.

Remember that I heard this over the Metallica that was playing through my headphones. I could hear these people discuss their private lives over the sound of heavy metal. Classy.

What does it say about society that when I was called to board at 06:40 I had to ask people to excuse me to get through the queue for the bar?

Good grief, I like a drink but who in their right mind wants to drink Heineken for breakfast?

We have though, yeah? If you haven’t it’s an experience you really ought to have had.

Your house mates (or room mates as our American cousins would have it) can really get on your tits. Whether they leave every utensil in the house covered in melted on, bright orange cheese, stroll around the house in only a towel or shit in the bathroom sink (true story, ask me about Nigel) we grow to hate those close to us in some way, at some point.

That’s why this YouTube video is so good.

Seemingly this guy’s house mate had been getting up early in the morning, going to college and slamming the door on his way out. Getting sick of this thoughtless behaviour our erstwhile auteur decided to enact a little revenge.

Roommate Revenge Buttered Floor – Watch more free videos

Priceless.

The night before Andy and Lou’s wedding saw myself and Andy at a loose end in New York. Consequently we ended up in Live Bait drinking beer. That was until we discovered the joys of frozen margaritas. In pints!

Nice!

As anyone who knows me will testify, my favourite activity, after having downed a few cherry beers, is to quote Captain Kirk’s immortal lines from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

It was this one scene that last night, lead to a drunken conversation where it was decided that the goal for 2009 is to meet William Shatner.

I will be ruminating about how to go about doing this but all suggestions will be greatly received. First on the list though is the setting up of a Google alert for ‘William Shatner’.

A few months back Andy and I tried our hand at drinking Rickstasys. For those not in the know the Rickstasy is the worlds most evil drink, tasty but evil, it’s one of Amy Winehouse’s favourite tipples, which should really have set alarm bells ringing.

Anyway having watched a bit of Doctor Who and having had about three of these wonder drinks Andy and I hit the town. It did not go well.

We were leathered. It transpires that, as a Rickstasy contains three parts vodka, one part Southern Comfort, one part banana liqueur and one part Baileys, we’d had the equivalent of two nights drinking in an hour.

As it turns out the lovely Amy Winehouse had this to say about them.

By the time you’ve had two of them you’re like, don’t even try and go anywhere. Sit down and stay down, until the birds start singing.

We should have known better really.

In August my site got 1,281 hits! That’s 41 a day! I’m rather happy about that.