Being the type of sucker that enjoys this sort of thing I went along and had a go. Anyway to cut a boring story short, here’s what I got, by the way you should read the rules before you look at all this otherwise it’ll mean fuck all!
So, there I was, relaxing and having a bit of an afternoon snooze when I was rudely awoken by my phone going off.
By golly I’m glad it did though, it enabled me to remember what is quite possibly the best dream I’ve had since the one where I leapt onto a double decker bus to escape a Predator that was chasing me down Oxford Street.
The dream only lasted about ten minutes, but in that ten minutes I managed to really feel fear, proper I’m going to die style fear. It was awesome.
I was hiding out in a house, a small house, the sort you’d see in American movies set in the mid-west. It was all one floor and the rooms all joined on to each other so it formed a sort of four room circle. I was in the front corner of the house to the left of the front door and I was peering through the blinds.
From my vantage point I could see a Terminator standing on a big metal shipping container, the type the ship cars and things in. This Terminator was a T888 like in the TV series, it had its back to me and was slowly scanning the horizon.
My immediate assumption was that it was looking for me, so I carefully and quietly crept out of the house by the side door and, ducking down, ran through more of the shipping crates. At one point I was passed by a police cruiser, what it was doing I wasn’t sure but my only focus was on escape from the Terminator that I was convinced had been sent to kill me.
So after a short crouching jog I came across a rather old, dark blue pick up truck. I quietly opened, what should have been the passenger side door, and climbed in. Even though I was convinced I was in America the truck was right hand drive. There were no keys in the ignition, so after pulling down the sun visor and discovering there weren’t any there either I resigned myself to going back to the house, talking my chances with the Terminator and looking for some car keys.
At that point I woke up. My heart was racing and I thought that the whole thing had been real, it took a good five minutes for me to relax.
This raises some questions though.
What were all the shipping crates doing surrounding a lovely little bungalow/house thing? Could mean a lot of things that one.
Was the Terminator actually after me? Could it have been protecting me? Does this suggest or signify that I’m unjustly suspicious of those that care about me, or that they’ve turned their back on me?
What significance does the passing police car have? Do I feel that those that should help me are unwilling to or can’t anymore?
Why was the truck right hand drive, even though everything else was obviously American? Am I the odd one out?
Why was the Terminator a T888, which isn’t the traditional and more obvious T800 Arnie-looking Terminator? Is the fact that the T888 series have never been the good guys significant?
It was all very strange and I can’t help but think there’s more to this than meets the eye! All thoughts on a post card to the usual address.
You know what would really impress me during a Ouija board session? If the glass were to move by itself.
Yeah that’d do it for me.
You see, that glass, or planchette if you really want to give your made up shit some authority, is in fact moved by what is known as the ideomotor effect. Tiny subconscious motor movements that you don’t even register.
Perhaps they’re not enough to fling a glass across a room, leave that to the charlatan running the show, but certainly enough to move it a few inches.
So I repeat, if you want me to believe in your silly little ghost stories, I want that fucker to move by itself.
And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan’t crack;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.
This is too cool for fucking school. No shit if I had £600 to drop right now, I’d be dropping it ona Tenori-On. Look at this.
That my friends is a Tenori-On, a brand new type of instrument created by two Japanese dudes, Toshio Iwai and Yu Nishibori. Its original design came about as part of Iwai’s desire to build an electronic instrument of true beauty. By jove, I think he’s got it!
If you watch this video too, you’ll see one of its cooler features.
Those two ladies’ (The Tenorions) Tenori-Ons are playing in sync, their both playing little bits and bobs on each of them and the units are tying in with each other to keep it harmonious. How cool?
I can’t believe I missed this when it came out two years ago! Isn’t the future fantastic?
Not tricky is it? ‘A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. …’, it’s not like anyone’s trying to catch people out is it?
It states clearly at the beginning of every Star Wars film (even the shit ones, I-III and VI for the record) that this movie isn’t set in the future.
But it’s got spaceships in it? No! Shut up, fuck off, look, listen. It is set in the past, a long time ago.
But it’s got robots and stuff? And? So has the Toyota factory in Derby and that’s not from the future. What part of this is difficult?
But people shoot each other with lasers? Aaaargh! Look it says in bright blue fucking letters at the start of the film: A. Long. Time. Ago. End of story.
Yet still people insist on describing Star Wars (any of them, they’re not fussy) as a futuristic film, or a fanciful futuristic romp, or whatever.
Look at these reviews for further proof of people not paying attention:
Ken Tucker - New York Metro
“…his [Lucas’] lurchingly thought-out rendering of futuristic politics prevents the entire series from achieving the greatness to which it aspires.”
Jonathan Young - Theosophical Society Of America
“Because the Star Wars stories are set in the future on fictional planets, we are able to get beyond the naturalism of most movies.”
Sean Axmaker - Amazon.com
“Luke faces the black-clad villain Darth Vader (David Prowse, voice of James Earl Jones) in a futuristic sword fight.”
Oh, and for the record the ellipsis at the end of the sentence? There should be four dots, seemingly the first one acts as a full stop. There should also be an extra space between the first dot and the ellipsis, but hey, if no one’s reading it anyway. …
Ooh, look an unreleased still from The Empire Strikes Back.
Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia Organa just about to share a tender, and by the looks of things steamy, kiss. Isn’t that so romant… Hang on! They’re brother and sister! Twins in fact! This is a kids movie, kids don’t need to deal with incest in their films.
And so begins the first exhibit in the case of George Lucas vs. Coherent Film Making.
Remember when we are first introduced to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke asks about his dead Dad? It went a little like this.
Right, well, ok, no. No, doesn’t fit with any of the other movies. Lucas had originally intended for Darth Vader to be a name, not a title. All this bullshit of it sounding like dark father is guff. Strike two for consistency.
In the Empire strikes back Vader is obsessed with finding Skywalker all of a sudden, where did this come from? How come he didn’t sense that Skywalker was his son when he followed him down the Death Star trench proclaiming ‘The Force is strong with this one’?
Not only that but if, as every fucker seems to think, he’s the most powerful Jedi ever, why didn’t he sense that Leia was his daughter when he boarded her ship, imprisoned, interrogated and tortured her in A New Hope?
At the end of the day Lucas got lucky with A New Hope (as it later became), it was great, people loved it and it was fun. A trilogy it was not meant to be. In my opinion the Vader as father thing was thought up for The Empire Strikes Back and Luke and Leia as twins was thought up for Return Of The Jedi.
A New Hope was designed to be a stand alone movie.
I can buy this even if he was thinking of a trilogy, if it failed it would have had to be judged on its own, this I can understand. However it was hugely successful, so instead of saying right, let’s go the fun starts here, Lucas started making out that it was always his plan to have three, six or nine movies.
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