Whilst out on the stag do Andy reminded me of the song Convoy. Have a listen.
It was a bit of a hit back in 1975 and in a hokey kind of way it fucking rocks. It even lead to a movie starring Kris Kristofferson that was directed by Sam Peckinpah! Not bad for a one hit wonder, huh?
It would appear to be a little known fact but it seems you can fix bad eyesight with hypnotherapy!
I know, it’s mad isn’t it? It’s true though, Kate said so. I’ve been a right tit spending all that cash on glasses and contact lenses over the years.
What makes it worse is that I went to a hypnotism show at a student union gig a few years back. Ok, I might have had to have eaten an onion imagining it to be an apple and possibly have sex with a chair, but think of the savings!
I could be being a little bit harsh here but this is bollocks isn’t it? As if some sallow eyed goon with a pocket watch could change something as physical as an eyesight defect. Then again could someone be suggestible enough that it did work?
Well it finally happened and here are the pictures to prove it. I really do need to say thank you to everyone that came along, you all contributed to my having a fantastic day. Thank you all very much.
I learnt many wonderful things over the course of the night. For example Sambuca comes in regular, black and flavoured varieties, some drinks can be referred to as pure filth and there are more germs on a slightly dirty glass than there are in a bin!.
For those that couldn’t make it you can PayPal me the money you owe me, just click the button below. That includes you Purdy. By the way, this isn’t a joke, you all owe me £25. So pay up.
I met up with Suzanne in the Science Museum today and was treated to the delights of a museum full of screaming, hyperactive brats and their pathetic chinless-wonder parents.
Don’t get me wrong I love children, they are the future after all, and I say teach them well and let them lead the way. Well, if they’re mine that is. Everybody else’s can fuck right off and that includes those with trendy parents. What is it with these fuckers and their obsession with wanky pretentious names? A few of those heard today include:
Well I made the last one up, well actually I made the entire list up but I’m not that far off the mark. Honestly I’m not.
Continue reading ‘Control Your Child!’
Here’s something interesting I’ve just read. It’s a quote from the Reagan Diaries.
‘A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his ne’re-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.’
That entry’s dated 17 May 1986. Looks like the reactionary old right winger had a bit of nous in the end.
Looks like a woman in Delaware has found God inside an aubergine (or eggplant as they insist on calling it).
Seemingly this bint finds it comforting that the word God appeared inside her dinner, especially seeing as she’s had a few family members pop their clogs recently
Fuck me, if I’d just had some relatives cark it I wouldn’t find it comforting, I’d find it bloody creepy. God decides to rob you of your loved ones, then somehow decides to brag about his omnipotence by writing his name in a vegetable. That’s just taking the piss.
I mean, what is it with aubergines and morons? They’re forever finding the names of God in aubergines, we’ve had Allah and we’ve had, well, another Allah but you get the point.
If, and it’s a fucking big if, God existed I hope he’d manifest himself in a somewhat more direct manner than writing his name in fucking aubergines. For starters how about telling his followers to stop killing each other, I reckon that would be a good start, don’t you?
So it’s come to this. Not content with advertising a 2 Mbps service as 8 Mbps and providing a piss poor service in general, Tiscali have now throttled our broadband service to a ridiculous extent.
It started when we got this helpful message from them the other day.
Your broadband Internet usage has been highlighted as exceptionally high during peak periods and is affecting the service that we provide to other customers.
Hmm, not quite sure how that works we don’t actually use it that much, besides I didn’t realise they considered that they provided a service, I always assumed their primary goal was to make sure that the Direct Debit came out of your account each month. They go on though.
If you do not reduce your usage during these peak times we will manage your usage. This means that you will share bandwidth with other heavy users during peak times instead of sharing bandwidth with normal users. Your service will continue to be unlimited, but by sharing bandwidth with other heavy users you are likely to experience slower speeds during peak times.
Well, it seems like they’ve just gone ahead and done that anyway as I’m sitting here at 23:45 and I’m trying to watch a video on YouTube, a one minute long video, and the progress bar’s just sitting there not moving.
In fact just to prove things empirically, look at this, this is the speed report from our 8 Mbps ADSL connection:
Speed Down 72.45 Kbps (0.1 Mbps)
Speed Up 369.45 Kbps (0.4 Mbps)
How shit is that? We’ve got a faster upload speed than we have download! Well, I say faster but that’s relative isn’t it? Looks like Tiscali have pissed on their chips, we’re moving. I say Orange Broadband, anyone got any better suggestions?
Recognise this man?
No? Well you should, he saved your life. He’s Stanislav Yevgrafovich Petrov, Stan to his mates. He was a lieutenant colonel in the Russian military who in 1983 avoided a nuclear war by refusing to certify as real, what according to the Russian satellites, was a nuclear strike originating from the USA.
Thank fuck he did, because if he had certified it as genuine, Russia would have launched a retaliatory strike on the USA, which as you may recall hadn’t launched a thing, which would then have lead to the USA retaliating against what they perceived as an unprovoked Russian attack.
Bloody bollocks, the whole world would have been nuked to fuck and back!
Thankfully he didn’t press The Button and the Russian military recognised his prescience by immediately chucking him out, well not quite but his career was fucked and he retired soon after.
Of course, we the public didn’t find out about this until 1998 because of Russia’s military secrecy and international policy. The good news is that in 2004 good ol’ Stan was honoured by the Association of World Citizens who gave him its World Citizen Award along with a trophy and $1000! Then strangely in 2006 he traveled to the United Nations in New York where, for some reason, the Association of World Citizens presented him with a second World Citizen Award.
Seems scant reward for being the man who saved the world.
And our survey said. Go. Go. Go.
Amy Winehouse, once an über fox now a rattly boned skank, appears to be the latest in a long line of popular entertainers to be suffering from, ahem, exhaustion. Severe exhaustion at that.
Not that this applies to Amy, but in the past I’ve always equated exhaustion with massive gack habit or gritty smack battle. Then again, I’m sure Amy’s just been working her self too hard, god knows it must be a strain doing three or four gigs a week.
That equates to about an eight to ten hour working week, outrageous! After all, I do a forty hour week but most of that is spent sitting on my arse in meetings or fighting for every penny of expenditure, it’s certainly not something as strenuous as going on stage and singing to a bunch of people who adore me and are giving me £20 each for the privilege of watching.
Then again what do you expect. If I was a millionaire in my early twenties chances are I’d be fucked out of my skull every night of the week. However I may have enjoyed spending my cash on Jammie Dodgers too, so I’d probably be a little more chunky.
I’ll let the pictures do the talking…
You go girl!
So KY, you feel you can’t comment because you don’t have a specific knowledge of the topics involved? Hell, that’s what I do all the time when I post articles!
So come on, give it a go, comment. Coment like there’s no tomorrow!
Yay! It was Ian’s birthday on Saturday (well Monday, but no one goes on the lash on a Monday) and we duly trotted off to Nottingham to celebrate in style.
After a dodgy start involving nail appointments and me getting stroppy it all went reasonably smoothly.
After hitting Ask for a pizza we trotted around town, ending up the Alley Cafe Bar, a fine little bar although their website is somewhat over engineered. Anyway back to the night out.
Everybody enjoyed themselves, I had many an interesting conversation with Des and what’s most important Ian seemed to enjoy it. It did get a bit, well, fruity towards the end of the evening but that’s what booze does!
Without further ado, here are the photos of the event. By the way I could do with some help naming names, I was drunk, it was dark and I didn’t have a pen…
Oh and if you really want the good shit, wait until tomorrow. That’s when Ian’s dancing gets a public outing!
They’re making a Bill Hicks biopic! Seemingly Russell Crowe is in the frame to play him. Seems an odd choice to me.
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