crackerwax

Christ. Another year, another three months of attention hungry, vapid fuckwits parading their neurosis live on telly for the nation. Ace!

As much as I pretend that I can’t stand it, yet again here I am watching it. Bollocks.

In an amazing twist (not really, but I’ve got a quota to fulfill) it’s all women that have opened the show and what a bunch they are.

Tracey reminds me of my mate Shaggy, which is good but she’s a little bit disconnected in the whole, y’know, mental stability stakes. Then again I strongly suspect she went in there more than a little chemically enhanced.

The twins (Amanda and Sam) are from Stoke. Great. However their lack of any kind of intelligence is stunning. Also the pronunciation of the word pool as poo-ell is, like wise, awesome. They’re also kind of creepy in a Midwich Cuckoos/Shining kind of way.

Leslie is more than a little bit of a player, thinks she’s smarter than she is says I. Tracey seems more than capable of handling her. Every time she made a ‘them and us’ reference Tracey snubbed her. No messing.

Chanelle, Charley, Emily and Shabnam should be tied to a girder and thrown in the Thames. What point there is in any of them existing is beyond me. I’m sure we’ll see some absolute corkers from them.

Chanelle likes to think she looks like Victoria Beckham and courts all compliments that back up her theory. How insecure does a girl have to be to spend her entire life trying to look like someone else? Sad.

Charley is a waste of skin. Thankfully though, as she revealed tonight, her tits are real. Panic over everyone, stand down men, Charley’s tits are real. Also her cousin is some potato headed footballer, that’s a relief isn’t it?

Emiiy, or Peaches Geldof for the purposes of her deluded fantasy, is just nothing. Blonde smoke if you will.

Shabnam was probably dropped as a child as she has a bizarre, twitchy kind of personality that is strangely redolent of Amy Winehouse crossed with Tweak from South Park. And she thinks she’s beautiful. Hint love, if you need to say it then it isn’t true, sorry.

Nicky, not to be confused with Nicki the neurotic cunt on a stick from last years show, is a bit odd. Not sure why, but I get the feeling that she’s going to be the first to lose it, or talk about how her life has been a struggle, or some equally uninteresting twaddle. She was adopted from India at the age of one. that’s bound to crop up in conversation soon.

Carol is the people’s favourite, and as lumpy fifty-something bisexuals go she’s ok. Don’t know if I could share a house with her for three months though. She’s a political activist, which is short hand for mouthy twat as far as I’m concerned. Anyway she got cheers coming in, so that crowd must know something we don’t.

Finally there’s Laura. Laura is, shock horror, nice! Well, I like her and that’s all that counts for me. I’ll be shocked if she doesn’t win.

Looks like the Sky+ is going to get a battering for the foreseeable, I wonder when they’ve arranged for the first racial incident to kick off this time?