crackerwax

Yay, Doctor Who is back for ’season three’, with a new assistant! Sadly they’re still peddling the same tired old storylines, shit special effects and ropey aliens.

This week we were treated to goth-space-police-rhinos, with special space marker pens with a light on the end, who think they’re Judge Dread. They’re called the Judoon, and better than all of this they wear those ridiculous big ‘New Rock’ goth boots that the skinny goth kids wear, y’know the one’s that they think make them look all alternative and intimidating? Pathetic. I half expected them to be wearing eyeliner and have floppy fringes.

The evil alien (the Judoon are just misguided space-plods) in this one is played by the woman from Dinnerladies, and she sucks blood through a bendy straw, a fucking bendy straw. A bendy straw! Fucking hell can it get any worse? Well obviously yes, it’s Doctor Who remember!

Having said that if you’re an evil alien who’s on the lamb, one way to escape them is to draw a bloody black cross on your hand in marker pen (or is it space marker pen, I get confused). According to the Doctor they’re a bit simple these Judoon (just like real coppers then), they still managed to rip a hospital from the banks of the Thames (or is it Cardiff? I have trouble these days) and keep its lights on though.

Oh, and the first, and I hasten to add only, person we see this evil alien granny kill is a consultant called Stoker. She’s a space vampire (sorry Plasmavore) and he’s called Stoker. Stoker? Geddit? Amazing scriptwriting, was Scorcese involved in this at some point?

Of course the best is yet to come, we have a new assistant in this one Martha Jones, and what an amazing shift she is from the last one. She’s ballsy, takes no lip, is a bit cheeky, comes from London, has a shit family and, well, er, hang on she’s the same one as before? No, wait she’s black! That’s it, I forgot, she’s black. So really different there then.

And while I’m at it, my sources (Google) tell me she was in Torchwood, which if you’ll remember was touted as Doctor Who for grown ups, but was actually Doctor Who with the Doctor bit replaced by shagging and swearing. In Wales. Iechyd Da!

Anyway, which ever way you cut it this is the worst sci-fi I have ever seen, it stinks. From beggining to end it is uniformly dull. Cracking, modern, quirky sci-fi like Firefly gets cancelled yet turgid shit like this is allowed to get to a ‘third’ ’season’. Shocking.

Let Joss Wheedon, some proper scriptwriters and a group of graphic artists who know what they’e doing have a go. I mean come on, you see the new logo there? That’s got Filter > Render > Lens Flare… written all over it and only wankers use lens flare. So imagine how bad all the CG space ships look to non-eight year old eyes? To people who like sci-fi, to people who long for a decent Doctor Who?

While we’re at it fuck the new theme tune off too, put the original Delia Derbyshire version back on. I know they used elements from it in the new theme but the original’s over forty years old and it kicks the new one’s arse.

This program is just abysmal and it’s getting worse.