Crackerwax

Daniel Craig. You’ve seen Layer Cake right? If not go out and buy it now, Morrison’s sell it for £5.99. I always thought he’d make a great Bond and ever since I saw the teaser posters I knew he would.

There aren’t many spoilers in this but if you’re worried about having the plot revealed just go and see the film now, I promise you won’t regret it.

Anyhoo, let’s start at the beginning. Some exposition in black and white (echoing the original filmic beggining of Bond), how does Bond become a ‘double O’ agent? This is answered swiftly and brutally and we spend the rest of the film being shown how Bond becomes Bond, James Bond.

Did I mention? This new Bond is hard as fucking nails, when he gives you a kicking you stay kicked. Right from the start we see he has no truck with any grace under pressure nonsense, whethers it’s killing someone with his bare hands or running through walls (yes, through walls) there’s no mucking about with new Bond.
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Christ. It’s not getting any better is it? This is supposed to be Freddie Mercury.

When will this guy learn, it takes more than a ropy outfit and a fake ‘tash, to be Freddie Mercury. For a start he’s between 50 and 120 pounds too heavy.

Good sash! I mean, we can all see it’s tied around the largest part of his belly in a vain attempt to give the appearance of a waist, but let’s be honest it adds a splash of colour to an otherwise monochrome ensemble. One tip though: most peoples waists are below their belly buttons.

In his favour at least his photo is taken in a dressing room, which is, sort of, the kind of a place Freddie might have been found, not the most likely place (let’s not go there) but credible at least.

Actually looking at him, he looks like the bastard offspring of Andrew Neil and Tosh Lyons off of The Bill.

Also, is that hair painted on?