crackerwax

First off: Oi! Lucas! Leave writing movies to people who can. (JK Rowling we’re watching you too).

Started this Clone War has. No Yoda let’s get this straight, included this Clone War was because George thought a ‘Clone War’ sounded hip, cool and oh so spacey in 1977. Alec Guinness hamming his way through two hours of sub standard fairy tale nonsense, calling John Gueilgud every evening and sobbing down the phone. You can almost hear him spinning like a Hotpoint in his grave as Ewan McGregor splutters out line after line of piss poor dialogue doing his best 1705s Ealing comedy Alec Guinness impression, while Hayden Christensen skulks in the background looking petulant.

One of the reasons this whole film stinks like a rotting kipper is that it’s so unsubtle in it’s approach to the dark side transformation of Anakin. An opportunity doesn’t go missed to point at Anakin’s mental state, let’s look at a few of those clues:

1. He’s headstrong, always bad, unless you’re Luke Skywalker in which case it’s good.
2. Fancies the girly. Illegal or something if you’re a Jedi
3. Loses it and kills loads of Tusken Raiders
4. Talks about dictatorships a little too keenly
5. Bangs on about wanting to be the most powerful Jedi in the universe
6. Blames everyone else for his problems
7. Wears black not beige like every other Jedi (ooh, subtle)
8. Has blonde hair and blue eyes (dead giveaway)

I could go on but won’t, although I will say this Padme ends doing the nasty with him and giving birth to Luke and Leia right? If I told some posh chick I’d gone to the local Gypsy camp site and sliced everyone there to bits with a sword I made myself, including all the dogs on string, women and kids. Would she then a) hug and kiss me, marry me a week later, sleep with me and have my kids, or b) laugh nervously before never, ever seeing me again? Hmmm, tricky…

There are a few neat moments in the movie, like Jango Fett and the whole watery planet of Kamino thing but it’s just not enough. It’s all let down by poor acting, hammy dialogue and some really bad special effects. I had really hoped it would be a dark adventure with loads of tiny clues as to Anakin’s future, it was just all too obvious…

Not a good film, sadly. Oh yeah and there wasn’t nearly enough Jar Jar.